


finding one's footing

by aislingdoheanta



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Closed off Aaron Dingle, Emotional Hurt, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Prison, Reunion 3.0, Robert struggles with life outside of prison, Robert trying to find himself again, Sad Aaron Dingle, Sad Robert Sugden, Slow Burn, the comfort will arrive in due time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:28:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22709245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aislingdoheanta/pseuds/aislingdoheanta
Summary: Two years after Robert is sentenced to prison, he comes home to Emmerdale. Unfortunately it's not that simple as Robert struggles with anxiety and stress of leaving prison, his mind reverting him back to his post-shooting days, and Chas trying to run him from the village. She's understandably upset at how much Robert hurt Aaron, but Aaron's more closed off than Robert has seen him in years. Robert's desperate to find a way to mend things with Aaron, if only to be friends, but he's not sure he'll be able to with Aaron's strange attitudes towards him, Chas angrily coming at Robert for so much as breathing, and his own struggles.Reunion 3.0 - Very Robert-centric as he works to rebuild himself and the relationships he "ruined" years ago. Will eventually lead to Aaron/Robert reunion.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden, Jimmy King & Robert Sugden, Nicola Blackstock/Jimmy King (background), Robert Sugden & Nicola Blackstock, Robert Sugden & Victoria Sugden
Comments: 34
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So... for those who follow me on tumblr, I finally have the first chapter of the long awaited Reunion 3.0 fic where Robert comes back to find out that Aaron's "family" (a.k.a. Chaddy) have forced Aaron to bottle his feelings over losing Robert and he basically goes on a rampage. I thought it was going to be sort of a fun little fic to write, but I've got like 13k right now... and Robert had no idea that this has happened yet. He had more to work on and who am I to not let Robert work on his issues? So this will end up being (likely) a rather long fic in the grand scheme of things and I can't really tell you exactly when the Angry/Protective Robert will arise because there's a lot to get to before that point. And after. 
> 
> Some heads up as we go into this, I'm basing Robert's reactions post-prison on the fact that he's got underlying trauma he's never dealt with along with the research and people I know that have dealt with this. Robert did not suffer needlessly in prison--nothing majorly traumatic happened to him, so there's no warnings for that. But eventually his latent PTSD will likely be addressed because being back in the village with the same sort of fears of being watched and judged (like after his shooting) is bringing that to the forefront. If that's not your cup of tea, sorry but it's the way this fic is working out. 
> 
> And lastly, thank you to everyone who's been commented and messaging me about this fic. You all have made me keep working on it and I feel like (now that I have a chapter and half (not short chapters either) written, I feel like I can post the first chapter as a Valentines day gift for all you. Feel free to [message me on tumblr](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/ask) and know that I'll try and [post WIP snippets](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/tagged/wip%20wednesday) on there every so often between postings! 
> 
> ♥♥♥

“It’ll be all right, you know,” Jimmy said, breaking the silence that had become heavier the closer they got to Emmerdale.

“You don’t know that,” Robert said. “I told them all to move on. And now I’m swanning back two years later like nothing’s happened.”

“They’ll understand, Robert,” Jimmy said. “You were in prison. It’s not like you just up and left to go on holiday. They all miss you.”

“You have to say that cause you’re my mate,” Robert said.

“Besides, you’re not _swanning_ back into the village. You’re getting driven in by me after getting released from prison early,” Jimmy said. “If you were swanning back, you’d arrive in style with a brand-new sports car and all cleaned up.”

“Are you saying I look like rubbish?” Robert asked.

“No!” Jimmy said quickly—too quickly to be believable. Truth was, Robert didn’t look great. He knew that. Yeah, he’d built a little more muscle over his time in prison, but he also grew leaner, lankier in a sense as well. Awkward, like he didn’t quite know what to do with his limbs. There were permanent dark circles under his eyes, stubble on his face he wasn’t sure about, and his hair was way too long.

But he was free and on his way home. _If there was a place called home anymore_.

“Cheers for that,” Robert said.

“I was only saying it to assure you that you’re definitely not swanning back,” Jimmy argued.

_How’s Aaron?_ The words were on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. He never had been able to, not after all the months of letters and visits and phone calls with Jimmy and Nicola. They both knew he wanted to know, so they’d drop in an update on Aaron every so often, as if they were just talking about the village. But Robert could never bring himself to truly voice the question, the concern. He’d given up that right when he’d sent the divorce papers, when he cut off contact, when he went to prison.

“Vic’ll be so chuffed to see ya,” Jimmy said.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “She sent me letters every couple of months.”

He’d never responded. It was easier to give everyone a clean break, free them from him. He didn’t want to drag his entire family down in this way. They shouldn’t be punished for his mistakes, not again.

“And Aaron he’ll—” Jimmy cut off.

“He’ll be angry, I know,” Robert said quietly.

“I… Well I don’t think he will be,” Jimmy said, shifting around.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Robert said.

“He’s changed a bit since you left,” Jimmy said. “Nothing too bad, just you know, more…quiet than he used to be.”

The one thing, the _one_ thing that Robert had been terrified of was Aaron not being able to cope. It’s why he thought cutting contact, making Aaron so angry at him that he wouldn’t take it out on himself was the plan he ended up with. Aaron had his family, a whole village of support he could lean on. He had to be all right, be happy—it was all Robert ever wanted for him.

“Oh,” Robert said after a minute.

“He might still be angry though,” Jimmy said. “It’s just hard to tell how he’s going to react these days.”

Robert nodded and looked back out at the window, the scenery becoming more and more familiar as the time goes by.

It was still strange that the three of them—Nicola, Jimmy, and Robert—became so close after how none of them really wanted to work together at the beginning, but then they’d been there for him more than anyone—though that was more down to Nicola’s iron will and how she seemed to understand exactly why he pushed his family away.

She’d kept writing letters and phoning the prison, demanding and begging to talk to Robert and get the guards to have Robert phone her. He hadn’t. But then she’d turned up at the prison, told him he was being an idiot and hugged him. It had been the first time he’d really admitted why he pushed his family away and how terrified he was that if he let them visit, they’d be giving up so much of their lives for him. He tried to get her to understand and she had said she did. The she turned to him, held his hands in hers, and said sternly that he’s an idiot if he thinks she’d put her life on hold for him. She also promised that she’d only fit in visits when it lined up with her travel plans for work. She’d hugged him tight before leaving and reminded him that the two of them could survive the worst of what life had to offer.

The next visit had been one month later and she’d brought Jimmy who’d cried. The next month she brought the kids who apparently couldn’t stop talking about seeing “Uncle Robert.” Robert highly suspected that it was Nicola’s way of getting a slight break by having her kids pester him for the visit, but it had meant a lot to him regardless.

It had worked out. He never expected a visit so when they happened it was a surprise. He even phoned them a few times, having the kids tell him about their birthdays and having them all sing incredibly off-key for his birthday. It hurt that he didn’t have that with his family but that was his doing, his choices that caused that, and the consequences that he had to deal with.

They pulled up outside the Woolpack and Robert wished it had taken longer to get here. He had no idea what was waiting for him—apart from Nicola really. He knew that Vic and Aaron were still in the village but he what kind of reception would he get? Did he even deserve for them to care after what he put them through? Would it be better or worse if they wanted nothing more to do with him anymore?

“You ready?” Jimmy asked after he turned his car off.

Robert swallowed and reached out to the door handle. “Might as well get this over with, eh?”

“It’s not gonna be so bad,” Jimmy said as he followed Robert out of the car. “At the very least they’ll be happy you’re out of prison, won’t they?”

“I suppose so.” Robert gripped his small bag in front of him. It carried the few possessions he still had: pictures, journals filled with his writing, some tattered clothes, and the cards and letters he’d gotten over the years—mostly from Vic, though a couple from Jimmy, Nicola, or the kids.

Jimmy led the way in and Robert tried to keep his heart from beating out of his chest.

It was noisy—noisier than Robert remembered when he’d been here last. Even though it looked different, it _felt_ the same, smelled the same. If he pretended hard enough, he might even be able to trick himself into believing like two years hadn’t passed him by.

“Robert!” Nicola ran up to him and threw her arms around him, pulling him close and tight in that aggressive manner she’d done for the past two years. “It’s so good to see you back here. How’s it feel?”

“Um, strange,” Robert said honestly.

“Robert?” Chas’s voice cut through the chatter. Some villagers halted their conversations, looking at the prodigal son returning for the second time. Others didn’t pay him any mind. Robert wasn’t sure which one he liked more.

“Hiya, Chas.”

She didn’t smile, didn’t make any move toward him. Robert waited.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“He’s out!” Jimmy said excitedly. “His appeal went through and he’s back.”

“You went through an appeal?” Chas asked.

Robert nodded. “Yeah. Wasn’t sure if it was going to take, to be honest.”

“And did Aaron know about this?”

“No,” Robert said. “I made a clean break for a reason. It wouldn’t have been fair to drag it all back up if it didn’t work out.”

“But it did,” Chas said. “And you called Jimmy over Aaron.”

“We’ve kept in contact,” Jimmy said.

“It just keeps getting better and better,” Chas said, anger scrunching up her face. “So _my_ son was sat heartbroken for years over you and you couldn’t even be bothered to pick up the phone?”

“It wasn’t like that, Chas,” Robert tried to argue.

“The hell it wasn’t. I had to sit there and watch him suffer _again_ over you. And you what, just turned up expecting him to welcome you back with open arms?!” Chas shouted.

“I didn’t—I _don’t_ expect anything from Aaron,” Robert said quietly, looking down and hating the feeling of everyone’s eyes on him. Sweat pooled on his lower back and the gawkers’ stares seemed to cut through him.

“Good cause you’re not getting anywhere near him.”

“Oi!” Nicola said from Robert’s side, her hand on his arm. “Robert was the one in prison here. I get that Aaron’s had it tough, but what was Robert supposed to do?”

“He was supposed to be there for him! Support him and instead he went and got himself banged up!”

“Robert did the best he could,” Jimmy said. “And he’s the one who had to pay for it.”

“I don’t care. You need to leave. Now.” Chas put her hands on her hips.

Nicola and Jimmy started to argue but Robert raised his hands. “Leave it, yeah? I’m going.”

“Mum, what’s with all the shouting?” Aaron waltzed in from the back room and the world around Robert tilted.

Robert locked eyes with Aaron whose mouth opened with a whispered “Robert?” that Robert more so _saw_ than heard.

“Aaron.” Robert desperately wanted to run to him, grovel on his knees, and do just about anything just to have one more day with Aaron. He’d been without him for so long, too long, but he didn’t have that right. Even if Chas hadn’t said what she said, Robert still knew he didn’t have a place with Aaron anymore.

Aaron took a step toward him, his eyes on fire before Chas’s arm came up to stop Aaron.

“Go, Robert. Aaron doesn’t want anything to do with ya anymore,” Chas said.

Robert watched the physical reaction of Aaron shutting down. His eyes dulled and his hands went to his pockets; he looked down and bit his lip. It pained Robert, but there was nothing more he could do. 

Robert hung his head and turned to walk out. He knew Nicola had some choice words for Chas but he didn’t hear them. He barely even felt Jimmy walking beside him as he herded Robert back to their house.

“You’d think that Aaron was a helpless child the way that lot carry on!” Nicola said as she stormed up to them.

“They’re just protective,” Robert said. “I’ve hurt Aaron a lot in the past. It’s understandable.”

“It’s not though, Robert,” Nicola said. “You’ve not seen them. It’s like ever since you left they’ve been keeping Aaron under lock and key. Like they don’t want him doing anything other than what they want him to do.”

“They’ve always sort of been like that,” Robert said quietly.

“But—”

“Leave it for now, Nicola,” Jimmy said. “Rob’s probably a bit tired and wants to have a little lie down before the kids get home.”

“Cheers,” Robert said following Jimmy into their house.

* * *

Nicola’s words and Aaron’s reaction kept filtering through his mind as Robert tried to sleep. He’d been exhausted from his travels and Jimmy told him to go and have a lie down.

He’d known it was going to be tough on Aaron, cutting contact the way that he did. But he had to do it; he’d had no choice. He’d been locked up for fourteen years and no matter what Aaron said, Robert wasn’t about to ruin his life or keep him tethered to Robert where he had to live his life with one foot in jail. He deserved better than that, better than Robert. He always had.

It wasn’t like his decision didn’t kill him or rip his heart out; it wasn’t easy to push Aaron away, knowing that the only solace he’d ever have while in prison he’d just willing chucked away. But what else was he to do?

And Chas. Her acting like Robert threw their marriage away, like he just up and left Aaron on a whim or cause he didn’t want Aaron any more when that wasn’t the case. He’d gone to prison, was supposed to be banged up for fourteen years. What did she want him to do? Keep Aaron tied to him and watch him suffer with every visit? Would that have lessened the anger Chas felt toward him or made it worse?

He rubbed at his face, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to sleep at all. He was too wired, too anxious, too everything. The bed was too soft; the house too quiet. It was a lot being out, being _free_. Not having someone constantly looking over your shoulder and getting in your face. Robert could do anything he wanted right now and no one would know—worse, no one would _care_. It was strange. Terrifying really.

Robert had been lucky in prison. He didn’t suffer like Aaron had and it was… It was fine. It was prison, so it wasn’t great and the loneliness was one of the worst things about it—that and hearing his father’s voice taunting him when the silent and solitary days started getting to him. But he knew just how lucky he was to walk away only a little worse for wear.

Obviously he’s not going to be able to bounce back as if nothing happened and it’s going to take a bit of time to get used to being free and figuring out what he’s supposed to do with his time, but it’s going to be okay. He’s got Nicola and Jimmy to help him, hopefully Vic and Diane as well.

He _had_ to be okay. He didn’t have a right to fall apart after leaving prison. He was fine. It was just quieter than he was used to, and that was nothing that a little telly or radio wouldn’t help. He’d be fine.

* * *

Robert hesitated outside Victoria’s house. Jimmy had offered to come with him but Robert turned him down. He had to face his sister alone, whatever the reception might be. Vic had forgiven him for a lot over the years; he could only hope that she’d forgive him for cutting her out as well.

Chas’s angry words were causing the hesitation. She was right; Robert left everyone alone to deal with everything. Yes, he thought he was doing best by them all, and it was the only way he could have gotten through the time in prison, especially if he’d have had to served his entire sentence. But that didn’t just automatically make it okay for everyone he left behind.

He could only hope that once he explained things to his family, they’d at least understand a little bit.

Robert knocked on the door.

Victoria ripped the door open. Already crying, she threw herself at Robert, hugging him tightly. “You’re home.”

“Yeah.” Robert swallowed thickly, his arms hesitantly coming around Victoria. It’d been two years since he’d hugged her. Two years since he’s last seen her. “You look good.”

“I can’t believe you’re here!” Victoria said, squeezing herself closer to him. “I missed you so much, Rob. We all have.”

_Who’s ‘we?’_

“I missed you too,” Robert said quietly. “You’ve no idea how much.”

Victoria pulled away, wiping at her eyes. “You coming in for a brew? Or did you want me to make you some dinner?”

“Brew’s good,” Robert said. “Cheers.”

Victoria went into her home, Robert following behind her and carefully closing the door. Her home looked the same, but there were more pictures, baby toys, and other things scattered around.

“How’s my nephew?” Robert asked as he watched Vic prep their teas.

“Harry’s good,” Victoria said with a smile. “Bit of a troublemaker, actually. I think he takes after his uncle that way.”

“Andy was always the trouble-magnet,” Robert said, quirking a smile at Vic, trying to find his footing and be like the man he’d been. 

“Oi! I meant you,” Victoria said.

Robert laughed and marveled at how long it’d been since he’d laughed. Maybe it was just Vic that made him feel normal, like no time had really passed, like they could be okay. But the chasm of time and space between them the last two years, maybe longer, was still there.

“Vic I—”

“Don’t,” Victoria said. “Don’t apologize, Rob.”

“I have to—”

“You don’t,” Victoria said. “You did what you had to do. I was angry for a while, scared for you, but eventually I understood. It was the only way you thought you’d cope with prison.”

“I couldn’t put you all through that and all,” Robert said softly. “I know you all said that you would have, but that’s a lot of time and effort.” _I didn’t want to risk you resenting me, risk you all leaving me alone._

“You’re my brother, Rob,” Victoria said, starting him in the eyes. “I love you and I wanted to be there to support ya.”

“You had Harry to look after,” Robert said. “A whole life out here to live. I didn’t want to take you away from that.”

“Why didn’t ya just tell me that?” Victoria asked. She handed Robert a cup before sitting next to him on the sofa.

“And how would that have gone down?” Robert asked her. He wrapped both his hands around the cup, letting the warmth seep through his palms.

“I’d have marched down there, told ya you were being an idiot, and forced ya to let me see you,” Victoria said.

“Which is why I couldn’t tell you, any of you. It’d have made it worse,” Robert said.

“But you didn’t have to go through this alone, Robert,” Victoria said quietly.

“I did though,” Robert said. “I had to.”

Victoria frowned at him. He could see her warring with herself on whether to push him for more answers, so he jumped in.

“I am sorry that I never contacted you though,” Robert said. “That I never responded to any of your letters.”

“Wasn’t sure you were even getting them,” Victoria said.

“But you still kept writing them.”

“It was all I could do,” Victoria told him. “It made it feel like you were still here, at least a little.”

“It won’t make up for it, but I’m here now,” Robert said. “And I promise that I’m not going to leave you like that again.”

“You better not,” Victoria said. “I’m tired of losing ya.”

Robert nodded and took a sip of his tea. It was sweeter than the tea he’d had in prison; he wasn’t sure if he liked it but drank it anyway.

“How are you though?” Victoria asked.

“All right,” Robert said. “Still getting used to being out, I guess.”

“It’ll take some time,” Victoria said. “But you seem to be okay right now. Was it—How was it there?”

“Prison-like.”

“Robert, be serious.”

“It was… It just was,” Robert said. “I didn’t have too much trouble and I got through it, but I’d rather not dwell on it anymore.”

Victoria studied him as she took a drink of her tea. He wasn’t sure if she was going to accept his brush off or not, but he really didn’t want to get into it. He was exhausted and overwhelmed from being around so many people; he just didn’t want to get into it all right now.

“Are you stopping off here? Or do you have somewhere else in mind?” Victoria asked.

“I’m staying with Nicola and Jimmy, at least for right now,” Robert said.

“Oh!” Victoria’s eyebrows raised. “I though maybe Aaron…”

“He doesn’t want anything to do with me. Besides we’re over.” Robert clenched the mug in his hands.

“You don’t have to be. You two always find your way back to each other,” Victoria said. “If you just talk to him—”

“I can’t!” Robert said. “Even if Chas wasn’t banning me from the pub, there’s nothing I can say to make things right with him. I knew that doing what I did would end us. I just, I just have to live with it.”

“Chas what?” Victoria asked.

“Doesn’t matter,” Robert said.

“Of course it does!” Victoria said angrily. “She’s got no right to do that to ya.”

“It’s her pub. And her son,” Robert said.

“Wait, did she try and forbid you from speaking to Aaron?” Victoria asked.

“Can you blame her?”

“He’s a grown man, Robert! He can talk to whoever he likes.” Victoria got up. “And that’s exactly what I’m gonna tell her.”

Robert shot up to grab at her arm. “No, Vic. Just leave it, all right? It’ll die down and maybe in a few days I can grab a moment with Aaron to apologize. He deserves that much at least.”

“Robert, Aaron—”

“Just drop it, all right?” Robert set his barely touched tea on the counter. “I’ve gotta go. Nicola’s expecting me back at theirs.”

Victoria took a breath and set her tea down as well. “I’m sorry for getting upset. It’s not at you.”

“I know,” Robert said and reached for her. “It means a lot that you were willing to go after Chas on my behalf.”

“I still might, mind you,” Victoria said. “She’s got no right treating you like that when you’ve been in prison for two years.”

“Just leave it,” Robert said again.

Victoria didn’t say anything but hugged him tightly. “Will you come by tomorrow? I can cook us some lunch, you can meet Harry—if you want. We can grab Diane, too, spend some time together?”

Robert let her go and rubbed at the back of his neck. “I dunno, Vic. It might… It might be too much right away. Can we… Can I think about it?”

“Course you can!” Victoria said brightly though her eyes shined with tears. “Just talk to me tomorrow. We can always reschedule or just you and I can do something, maybe go into town or away for a bit if you need.”

“You’ve got a kid,” Robert reminded her.

“Yeah, but he’s also got a gran who loves him to bits who’d understand if my brother needed to get out of the village for a couple days after getting released from prison,” Victoria said. “You did the same thing for me.”

Robert swallowed and nodded at her. “I think I’ll be okay, but I’ll think about that too.”

“All right. Have a good night.” Victoria followed him to the door, standing at the threshold. “It’s really good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, Vic,” Robert said. “I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”

“Yeah. And Rob? I’m glad you’re back.”

Robert nodded and took off toward Nicola and Jimmy’s. He had half a thought of going back to the pub or stopping by the Mill—did Aaron even live there anymore?—before deciding against it. Chas had made it clear that Robert had hurt Aaron and there was nothing he could do to fix it, nothing he could do to make up for it. Robert had known that for two years, but he had hoped to have a chance to at least apologize or talk to Aaron.

“You’re back then?”

Robert stopped suddenly, a few steps from the door to Jimmy and Nicola’s. He turned, looking in the shadows for Aaron. He was leaning against the side of the house, close to the corner, partially hidden.

Robert nodded. “Looks like it.”

“What happened?” Aaron took a hesitant step closer, his hands still shoved in his pockets.

“Got out on probation after an appeal,” Robert said.

“Always said you’d never end up there long,” Aaron said. “Too smarmy.”

Robert smiled a little at that. “I think you meant ‘charming.’”

Aron shrugged and took another step forward. “Think what ya like.”

“Aaron…” Robert sighed.

“Don’t.” Aaron said and looked away, his voice thick. “I can’t handle it right now.”

“All right.” Robert pushed his hands into his pockets. “Can we talk later, at some point?”

Aaron nodded.

“Just let me know when you’re ready or have got some time,” Robert said.

“You’re not gonna just tell me whatever you got to say now?” Aaron asked him.

Robert frowned. “After everything I’ve done? The least I can do is wait until you want to talk to me.”

Aaron let out a strangled sound and then launched himself at Robert, his arms like iron bands around him. Robert staggered back a step, but kept a hold of Aaron all the same. As awkward as he felt with everyone else, this, _Aaron_ felt normal, felt right, as if he’d ever be able to _forget_ how to be with him. 

Neither of them said anything, just held each other in the dark. Robert was desperate for Aaron to understand everything he wasn’t saying— _I’m sorry. I still love you. You’re the only thing that matters to me. I’m so sorry._ Aaron was breathing heavily against him and Robert wanted to see if he was crying, wanted to do _anything_ to make Aaron feel better. It had always been Robert’s only goal in life.

Robert rubbed a hand along Aaron’s back and Aaron just squeezed him tighter.

A door slammed somewhere and Aaron jumped away from Robert and rubbed at his eyes.

“Promise we’ll talk?” Aaron asked him.

Robert was confused because he’d already promised that they would when Aaron was ready and wanted to. “Yeah. Whenever you want.”

Aaron nodded and let out a breath. “Your hair’s long.”

Robert rubbed a hand through it and felt his face flush. “A bit, yeah. Barbers were a bit hard to come by there.”

“And a razor?” Aaron gave him a small smile.

“I thought you liked stubble? You always have it,” Robert said back.

“I can pull it off, mate.”

“You saying that I can’t?” Robert asked.

Aaron just shrugged but he looked a little lighter around the eyes. His phone went off and Aaron reached into his pocket to pull it out. He glanced down and his eyes hardened and Robert watched Aaron shut down for the second time since he returned this afternoon.

“I’ll leave ya to take care of…” Robert gestured toward Aaron’s phone. “Whatever that is.”

Aaron looked up at him and there was a heavy, charged silence between them for a moment before he let out a breath and looked away. “Yeah. All right.”

“I… “ Robert cleared his throat. “It’s really good to see you.”

Aaron nodded and for a second Robert assumed Aaron wasn’t going to say anything more. But he did. “Same.”

They stood outside the door awkwardly for a few seconds before Aaron turned and stalked off.

Jimmy and Nicola’s house was warm and the lights on low. The kids were already in bed or bath or something—Nicola had said that she’d try and keep the kids away for this first night after seeing how overwhelmed Robert had gotten when they came home from school. They had just been so excited to see their “Uncle Robert,” though they seemed to understand that he was tired. Angel even promised that she’d be quiet tonight so he could sleep. He wasn’t sure who was more surprised by that comment—him or Nicola.

“How was Victoria’s?” Jimmy asked from his place at the kitchen table. Nicola was making some tea at the counter.

“Yeah, it was all right,” Robert said. He shrugged his jacket off and sat on the chair.

“Cuppa?” Nicola asked him.

“If you’ve got it, sure,” Robert said. He’d never actually drank the tea Victoria made for him.

“Bet she was happy to see ya,” Jimmy said. “I know she missed you while you were, you know, _away._ ”

Robert rolled his eyes. “You can say prison, Jimmy.”

“I didn’t want to drag up any bad memories or anything,” Jimmy defended. “Especially since it’s your first night out.”

“Thanks.”

“He’s just looking out for ya,” Nicola said as she handed him a cup.

“I know,” Robert said. “You both have done that for a while now.”

“Cause we care about you,” Jimmy said.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Nicola argued. “We’re just business partners.”

“Business partners who have visited me in prison almost monthly for the last two years,” Robert said.

“It was every other month maximum,” Nicola said.

Robert couldn’t help but shake his head, his mind turning a bit somber. “Still. I’d have been lost with you.”

“Robert Sugden going soft on me?” Nicola questioned as she joined them at the table. “Prison has changed you.”

“Like you weren’t at my wedding,” Robert said.

“You did get a bit weepy at Aaron’s speech,” Jimmy agreed.

Robert nodded and cleared his throat. The one question he’d evaded, ignored though it was seared into his soul, rose to the surface. “How… How is Aaron?”

Jimmy and Nicola shared a look. Nicola sighed but answered, “He’s been all right. Why?”

“I just can’t stop thinking about what happened at the pub, you know, with Chas. It felt like she stopped him from even talking to me,” Robert said.

“Well you know, might be hard for him,” Jimmy said.

“Yeah, but he was waiting for me outside your house when I got back from Vic’s.”

“What did he want?” Nicola asked.

“I don’t know really,” Robert admitted. “He just asked me how I was out and then stopped me from apologizing.”

“Hmm,” Nicola said while Jimmy said, “What were you sorry for?”

“For cutting him off. The divorce,” Robert said. “I know that I did it for the right reasons and that I wouldn’t have been able to handle watching him visit me like that for years. I know what it would have done to him and it would have killed me to know that I was hurting him like that.”

“You’ve said all this before,” Nicola reminded him. It wasn’t to cut him off, but more to assure him that they were still on his side.

“I know, but not to him,” Robert said. “Even if it’s the last thing I do for him or say to him, he deserves an explanation. If he wants one, that is.”

“You don’t think he wants to hear what you were thinking?” Jimmy asked.

“After the pub, I didn’t know what to think. I thought Chas was right that Aaron was done with me and didn’t even want to give me the time of day. And that would have been fair. But now… Now I’m not sure what to think.” Robert twisted the mug in front of him and wondered if he would ever be able to actually drink a cup of tea when it’s in front of him. He had a glass mug now and no time limit. If he wanted to, he could sit here all night drinking cold tea from that glass mug. It was weirdly unnerving.

“Did something else happen?” Jimmy asked. “Besides him asking how you’re out.”

“He hugged me,” Robert said.

“Well that’s good, isn’t it?” Jimmy wondered, looking at Nicola who shrugged.

“I don’t know. It felt… It felt like it did back in the day, like we were sneaking around again. He seemed hesitant to talk to me and then the next thing I know he basically launched himself at me and just held on to me. Until his phone went off.” The look that came over Aaron, the life and spark literally draining from him would likely haunt Robert’s dreams tonight. If he slept at all.

“Well, maybe you two can give it another go,” Jimmy said.

“That wouldn’t be fair on him,” Robert said, forcing his mind to cut off that train of hopeful— _wishful_ thinking.

“I think he’s the one who should get to decide that,” Nicola said.

Robert frowned at her tone. “Is there something I should know here?”

“What are you talking about?” Nicola asked.

“You’ve just been weird about this Aaron and Chas stuff all day,” Robert said. “If there’s something I should know, something I need to know to not upset him more, please, you have to tell me.”

Jimmy sighed. “It’s just been really hard on him, losing you like that.”

“And he didn’t really have anyone to help him through it,” Nicola said.

“We tried though,” Jimmy said. “We checked in on him, got him to come round a bit. He talked to us a few times but then he just… He just sort of stopped talking about it all together.”

“Probably too hard on him,” Robert said, feeling his heart break all over again. “I knew he would be devastated. I just thought that breaking things off in one go, right away, would be easier for him to get over.”

“I don’t think you get over the love of your life so easily,” Nicola said softly.

Robert couldn’t say anything to that.

“And I don’t think he really had people around that seemed to understand that,” she continued. “But you know I never cared for the Dingles, so… that might be why I don’t think they did enough for him.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah. Maybe.”

His mind was whirling. Had Aaron really felt like he was alone? Hadn’t he reached out to anyone? His entire family was here, in this village… Why couldn’t he have just asked them for help if he needed it? The whole reason Robert gave Aaron up was because he knew that his mum was here, Paddy and Liv, nearly the entire village would have his back. He just thought Aaron would have gone to them if he was struggling.

“I think I’m just gonna call it a night,” Robert said quietly. “Tired from the travel and… stuff.”

“It’s been a lot to take in,” Jimmy agreed. “Are you visiting with people tomorrow?”

Robert shrugged. “I was thinking of, trying to go into town. Get some more clothes and maybe a haircut and stuff. But I don’t know.”

“Maybe Victoria would want to go with you?” Jimmy suggested.

“Maybe,” Robert said. “She asked me if I wanted to stay with her, but I don’t know.”

“You don’t want to?” Nicola asked.

“I do. I missed her and she’s my sister. And I want to get to know my nephew besides from the letters and pictures she sent,” Robert said. “It’s just… I’m scared that they’re going to want me to act like nothing’s changed when it has.”

“It’s going to take time getting used to things again,” Jimmy said quietly. “Your family will understand that. They’re just going to be happy to spend time with ya. And you can stay here as long as you like.”

“But you will have to start back at the company in the next few weeks,” Nicola said. “You’ve been slacking these last two years, so it’s time to earn that paycheck we’ve been sending ya.”

“You’ve never actually sent me a paycheck,” Robert argued.

“Cause it’s already in your account, isn’t it?” Nicola said.

Robert hesitated and looked down. “Are you sure you want me to work with you again? I’m a convicted murderer and… it’s going to be a hard sell.”

“It’s manslaughter, not murder. And it makes you more intense now, gives you a real edge,” Nicola said. “And if anyone can sell it, it’s you.”

“A compliment and a brew all in one night,” Robert said raising his eyebrows. “I guess you did miss me.”

“I did. A bit.”

Robert felt his eyes burn a bit and blinked. “I missed you too.”

“What about me?” Jimmy asked.

“And you, Jimmy,” Robert said. “Before we get any more soppy, I’m going to go to bed.”

Robert stood and then hesitated by the stairs. “Thank you. For… everything.”

“You’re our friend, Rob,” Jimmy said. “You don’t have to thank us for that.”

“Speak for yourself,” Nicola said.

Robert huffed out a laugh and shook his head. “Night.”

They wished him goodnight and he went upstairs to get himself ready for bed. He hoped it wasn’t going to be a restless night of tossing and turning because being back in this village had already exhausted him. And he was sure that tomorrow was going to be just as exhausting.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your fabulous support for this fic! I'm glad that (so far) you seem to be enjoying it as much as I have been writing it--though it does get me down occasionally so I have to take breaks and think of the future these two will have. Some people were asking for specifics regarding Seb and I want to say that I do have plans to incorporate him into this fic because Rob does deserve to get to know his son, but I'm not 100% sure how that's all going to go down just yet. But yes, Robert will get to have a relationship with Seb (and eventually so will Aaron and we'll see how that situation worked itself out too). 
> 
> Forewarning... Um Moira and Ross are turning out to be Robert allies in this fic which... is definitely not something I was expecting so just as an FYI for those reading. (Though Ross is not in this chapter, so you don't have to worry about him just yet!) 
> 
> Come say ["hi!"](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/ask) on tumblr! (Or if you have a specific thing you want to know about or like a "spoiler" for this fic, just come in my askbox and I'll do what I can to give you a heads up! ♥♥♥

The next two days passed by in a blur for Robert. The type of blur that sped by but also seemed frozen-in-time. He’d go downstairs when the Kings were getting ready for their days, put on a brave face, then dump his tea into the sink and crawl back into bed. Though that ended up getting too difficult so he’d sit on the floor, his back against the wall and just stare at nothing. He kept oscillating between the telly on and off. If it was on, it became too loud and jarring; if it was off it was too silent.

It had been barely forty-eight hours since his release and things were just overwhelming for him. He knew this was a likely possibility, that he wouldn’t be able to just bounce back like nothing had happened, like he hadn’t been gone for two years. It was the fact that the people around him seemed to recognize that as well that was stressful for him.

Vic and Diane had left him messages while he spent those two days hiding away, but he’s only able to respond to one to Vic: _I’m all right. Catching up on sleep_.

It wasn’t really accurate or close to his truth of ‘I am having a hard time going outside because there’s too many options,’ but it was something that would at least buy him a little more time. He’d meant to get a haircut, pick up some clothing, just enjoy his freedom, but he’d woken with a panic attack his first morning at the King’s. He’d been dreaming that he was back in prison and when he’d opened his eyes, he couldn’t remember where he was and the fear that he was going to get caught and chucked into solitary or just back in prison choked him. It’d been close to five in the morning so no one else was awake yet and Robert had had a few hours to calm himself down. But that had ruined his day, leaving him shaky and on edge, so he hadn’t left the house.

Yesterday had been a little better, but the fear that his release had been a mistake and that they’d catch him when he stepped outside kept him rooted again. He _knew_ that it wouldn’t happen, that this was legit and they couldn’t just take him back unless he broke his parole restrictions, but that fear was there now. He worried that it might last for longer than he would be able to handle.

This morning—this morning he was going to get a haircut. He was ready. He’d gotten some sleep—mostly on the floor—and didn’t wake up shaking or panicked. That meant it was going to be a good day to try. And it was just a haircut. Nicola was driving him there. He wouldn’t be alone. And it was just a simple haircut. He could do this. 

They didn’t talk on the drive out there and Robert was grateful that she hadn’t tried to fill the silences. He just needed to prepare himself. ‘ _I’d like my hair trimmed_ , he kept reciting in his head. That’s all he’d have to say to the person cutting his hair. As long as his hair was shorter when he left, it’d be all right. He’d deal with it like he had inside.

“Robert?” A voice called out and Robert registered that he’d been sitting and waiting at the salon. He didn’t remember getting from the car to inside the building, but it didn’t matter. He was here. He could do this.

Robert nodded and got up to follow the woman to the back. He sat down, hating all the mirrors around that made it even easier for everyone to stare at him.

“You wanted a haircut and beard trimmed down, yeah?” the woman asked him.

Robert only nodded again, his throat dry. There was an older man sitting a few chairs down from him who was looking at him like he knew where Robert had been for two years, like he knew what Robert had done.

He closed his eyes and turned his gaze away. He didn’t know. He wasn’t famous and not everyone was out to get him. It was just a crowded salon and not many places to look.

But when he opened his eyes, the man was still looking at him through the mirrors and Robert’s stomach clenched.

“What are we doing with your hair, love?”

Robert couldn’t speak, couldn’t drag his gaze away from the man who was staring at him. Could he be an undercover police officer, waiting for Robert to step a toe out of line? Was he here to take Robert back?

His breaths coughed out of his chest, and Robert’s vision started graying out, like he couldn’t see his surroundings. “I don’t—”

“You all right?” The woman asked kindly. “What did you want to do with your hair? Just a trim or something else?”

“My hair,” Robert said, desperately trying to focus on her words, where he was, what he was doing here, but he couldn’t. What did he want? “I don’t—”

He lurched from the chair and rushed toward the door. He couldn’t be here anymore. Everyone was staring at him, judging him.

“Robert?” Nicola asked, but he didn’t even stay to respond. He burst through the door, taking deep breaths and trying to move out of the windows to the salon. He didn’t want all the people who’d seen him panic to watch him outside as well.

A while later—minutes, hours, seconds—Nicola came out and slowly walked over to him. “Can’t believe how busy it is in there. For a Thursday morning?”

Robert nodded. It was an out, sort of, to not have to have this conversation. He could just let the silence rest and Nicola wouldn’t press him—not yet—but he felt he owed her an explanation. “Everyone was looking at me.”

“I doubt they were really looking at ya,” Nicola said. “When I go to the salon, I’m usually so lost in my own thoughts I can barely tell you what I was wearing even though I spend most of the time staring right at myself.”

“It was like… It was like they _knew_ ,” Robert said quietly.

“Knew what?”

“That I’d been to prison,” Robert said. _That I’m a murderer_.

“I doubt it,” Nicola said. “But if you’re uncomfortable, I’m glad we’re leaving. Maybe we can see if Bernice can give you a haircut, eh?”

Robert nodded. That would be much easier, fewer people and staring, and Bernice knew him from before. She’d know how to cut his hair and he’d not have to say anything. Maybe she’d help him with his beard since he no longer had the tools to shave or anything.

“I know we thought about going shopping, but what if we went back? You have a few more things to wear from Jimmy. Maybe go shopping after we make a list of what ya need?” Nicola said. “I can always go out and get you a few things if that’s easier for you.”

“Maybe for now it would be.”

Nicola nodded and grabbed his arm to gently steer him towards her car. “I’ll drop you back off at the village and run out for a few things. I’ve got my own errands to run and then can pick up the kids since I’ll be on that side of town. Be a nice surprise for them.”

Robert nodded and buckled himself into the car, exhaustion seeping into every inch of himself. He closed his eyes and was likely asleep before they even left the street the salon was on.

* * *

“You all right?” Nicola asked as they pulled down the main road into Emmerdale. She’d let him sleep the entire ride back. It wasn’t overbearing to him like it might have with Vic or Diane or maybe even Aaron—he knew that he didn’t _have_ to hide or lie to her. He could say, ‘I’m fucking exhausted and feel like everyone’s out to get me and that at any moment I’m going to either be hauled back to prison or Chas’ll gun me down in the street and I’m more on edge than I was after my shooting and this is bringing up all that stuff again and making it difficult to really process what I’m thinking and feeling, not to mention the desperate need I have to act like everything’s all right so that I’m not too different from what my family remembers and that I’m totally fine, after all I don’t really have a reason to not be fine because nothing really happened to me inside to warrant any of these reactions.’

He _could_ say all that to Nicola and she’d listen, maybe even try to relate or tell him he doesn’t have to be fine all the time. But that was when he was in prison, when he didn’t have anyone else, and now the thought of being vulnerable in front of her, _to_ her, in a village filled with people who want nothing more than to use that all against him somehow… He couldn’t do it.

“Yeah. Just tired,” Robert said.

“Seemed a bit more than that,” Nicola said.

Robert shrugged. “Like you and Jimmy said the other night. It’s gonna take some time to get used to this.”

“You don’t have to pretend like you’re fine, you know,” Nicola said. “No one expects you to be.”

“Maybe I just want to go back to how things were,” Robert said. “And not be constantly reminded that I just came from prison.”

“All right,” Nicola said. “That’s a fair point.”

Diane started waving at them as they passed the Woolpack and Nicola slowed down. He hadn’t even seen Diane since he got out—it had all been too much for him to process and deal with. “You can let me out. I should go and talk to Diane.”

“You don’t _have_ to do anything you don’t want or are not ready for,” Nicola said.

“It’s fine,” Robert said.

“All right,” Nicola said, bringing the car to a stop. She didn’t say anything as Robert slowly got out of the car. His hair went a little wild in the wind and he wished he’d have been able to get that haircut. 

“Robert!” Diane called out, pushing the pram toward him. _Must be little Harry in there_.

“Hiya, Diane,” Robert said quietly, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Oh pet, it’s so good to see you!” She pushed herself into him and hugged him tightly, tighter than he ever remembered her hugging him.

“Good to be back,” Robert said, trying to even his voice out. They were being too nice to him. He didn’t deserve this. How long will it last? Once the novelty of him being back wears off, will they go back to barely acknowledging him?

“Let me get a look at ya,” Diane said and brushed her hands over his face. “You’re looking all right.”

Robert looked down. “I’m good, yeah. No trouble.”

“It was prison, Robert,” Diane said quietly. “We all know it wasn’t a walk in the park.”

Robert nodded. “Promise. I’m fine.”

“It’s okay if you’re not though,” Diane assured him. “I’m sure it can’t be easy to be back either. Are you settling in all right?”

Robert shrugged and felt grateful that she dropped her hands. “It’s been a few days. So far it’s been fine. Can’t complain.”

“We were just on our way to the pub for lunch. Victoria had to work so we thought we’d join her.” Diane paused. “Would you like to join us?”

Robert shrugged. “Oh. I don’t know. It might be too much there.” Had she not heard how Chas had basically kicked him out his first day back? He sort of expected a firing squad waiting for him with orders to shoot on sight when he so much as stepped a foot outside Jimmy and Nicola’s house.

“Nonsense,” Diane said. “It’ll only be a few people. And you can always leave. But just come say hi to Vic? I’m sure she wants to really introduce you to her son.”

Robert looked down at the pram, at the little boy who was watching him cautiously, curiously from inside it. He nodded. “Fine.”

Diane smiled and turned to lead the way to the Woolpack. Robert followed her, listening to her chatter away about the morning she’d had with Harry.

Victoria squealed when she saw Robert coming through the doors with Diane. “Rob!”

And Robert couldn’t bring himself to turn away from her when she rushed to hug him. “Diane said you were here for lunch, so I figured I’d join ya. If, if that’s all right.”

“Course it is!” Vic said excitedly. She let Robert go to go and grabbed her son who’d started squirming toward Victoria as soon as he’d seen her. She held him at her hip and smoothed some hair away from his face. “Robert. This is Harry.”

Robert smiled at him. “Hiya, mate.”

Diane and Victoria shared a look before Victoria said, “Did you want to hold him?”

Robert didn’t know what the look they shared meant, but figured it didn’t concern him. Maybe they were worried how he was going to react since Robert hadn’t been as supportive as he should have been for Vic years ago. “Um. Yeah, if he wants to.”

Robert held out his hands and Harry reached for him, but it felt more like an automatic reaction babies had when someone offers to pick them up. Harry looked at him and reached up for his face and Robert just shrugged. “I’m not sure how I feel about the beard either.”

Harry babbled something that Robert couldn’t really understand but Victoria laughed at. Robert turned to her and raised his eyebrows at her.

“I think your beard reminds him of Uncle Aaron,” Vic said. “He’s the only other person he really knows that has facial hair.”

 _Uncle Aaron_. Of course Aaron had made sure to be there for Victoria through everything, knowing that Robert wasn’t around. Robert swallowed and put on a face he hoped looked normal and not devastated. “Well, I guess I’ll take that as a compliment. Though I don’t think Aaron would agree with that.”

“What do you mean, Robert?” Diane asked.

“Oh, just that Aaron didn’t seem to think it suited me,” Robert said without thinking before his words caught up with him. And more than that, the _place_ he said those words. Chas’s pub, which she’d loudly kicked him out of before telling him to stay away from Aaron.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Chas said, as though Robert merely mentioning Aaron’s name summoned her from the other side of the bar. “I told you to stay away from him! And the first thing you do when my back’s turned is hunt him down.”

Robert sighed. “It wasn’t like that, Chas.”

“The hell it wasn’t!” Chas threw down a towel onto the bar. “Why can’t you just leave him alone?”

The words were like a shot to Robert’s heart because she’d said them to him so many times in the past, before things all went wrong, before they’d even been right in the first place. But Chas’s raised voice seemed to be upsetting Harry who turned to press his face closer to Robert’s chest. Robert’s hand came up to the back of Harry’s head, as if trying to protect him in a way he couldn’t do for himself. 

“I didn’t _hunt_ him down, Chas!” Robert said, trying to keep his voice quieter.

“And I’m sure you couldn’t wait to spin more lies as to why you _abandoned_ him.” Chas glared at him.

“I went to prison, Chas. I didn’t up and leave him on a whim,” Robert defended, starting to feel his anger heat up. “And believe it or not, we didn’t even talk about it.”

“Oh god. Don’t tell me he shagged you,” Chas begged.

“Not that it’s any of your business as Aaron and I are both grown men, but no, we didn’t.” Robert rolled his eyes.

“He was finally doing better and you turning up is going to mess it all up!”

“My brother’s the one who just got out of prison!” Victoria defended.

“Yeah and Aaron’s now trapped in a village with him.” Chas crossed her arms.

“Have you asked Aaron how he’s feeling about things?” Diane asked.

“He’s my son. I don’t need to ask him to know how he’s feeling about it,” Chas argued.

“Maybe you should let Aaron decide what he wants to do,” Diane suggested. “He knows what he needs and wants better than anyone. If he wants to talk to Robert, he should be able to, and _feel_ like he’s able to. They have things to talk about, Chas, and forcing Robert to stay away from him might never allow Aaron the closure he needs.”

Robert swallowed thickly. “I’m not trying to hurt him, Chas. I know that I did, but I’m not trying to make things worse for him. All I want is a chance to apologize for it, and to explain that it wasn’t easy for me to leave him. But if he doesn’t want to hear it, then I won’t say anything.”

“Yeah, right.” Chas rolled her eyes at that.

Robert frowned. “I care about him too, Chas. I wouldn’t have pushed him away if I didn’t. The last thing I want to do is upset him further. He knows that I want to talk about it, but if he doesn’t ever want to, that’s his call.”

Chas’s eyes widened before she dropped her arms. The door slammed shut and Robert turned around, but there was no one there.

“I think I should go,” Robert said quietly to Diane and Vic. He held out Harry to Victoria. “We’ll catch up later, yeah?”

“No, Robert, don’t go!” Diane asked.

“It’s better if I do,” Robert said. “I don’t want to cause more problems for anyone, and clearly my being here is too much. I’ll just see you later, yeah?”

“Can you come round mine for tea tonight then?” Victoria asked.

“I’ll think about it, yeah?” Robert said.

He turned and walked out of the pub. He stood on the step outside and just stared ahead of him. Maybe he shouldn’t have come back here. Clearly it was causing problems and everyone already had their own lives, lives that Robert didn’t have any right to anymore. Lives he didn’t know anything about. 

The weight of the years he missed suddenly pressed down on him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe right, like he couldn’t get enough oxygen in and that started panicking him even more. God, was what Chas said right? Was he forcing Aaron to be around him when he didn’t want to? Was he ruining all the progress Aaron had made?

And Vic? She’d had a life without him, grown and become a mother, and now she had to deal with him again. Diane too. They shouldn’t have to do that. They should have been able to wipe their hands clean of him, and they had, but then Robert turned back up and of course they felt like they had to deal with him again.

He had ruined their lives so many times, but the worst of it was him going to prison, cutting them out. It had been for their own good, and for his own as well, but now he was trying to take that away and act like nothing had happened.

Robert’s vision blurred and he couldn’t see clearly, his hands clawing up at the jumper he wore, trying to pull it away from his throat. He blindly started walking forward, just hoping that getting away from the Woolie might give him enough distance to breathe.

Hands grabbed his arm and Robert ripped his it away.

“Let me go!”

The hands let him go immediately. “Robert, it’s okay.”

The voice sounded familiar, but he couldn’t place it. It was quiet and gentle. An accent?

“Robert, it’s Moira, all right?” Moira said gently. “What do you need?”

Robert shook his head. “I don’t—I don’t know.”

“All right. Let’s go take a seat over there, yeah?” Moira suggested and Robert assumed she was pointing but his vision was black.

“I don’t… I want to get away from here.”

“We can do that,” Moira said. “Just open your eyes, Robert, okay?”

Robert wrenched his eyes open and saw Moira standing in front of him, her hands held out. He frantically searched around for prying eyes but there weren’t many people around. He couldn’t help but think they might have been hiding, peering through the windows at the great Robert Sugden broke down in the middle of the road. 

“Where did you want to go? We can walk somewhere or I can drive you somewhere,” Moira suggested.

“Just away from here,” Robert said.

“I was just heading up to the farm,” Moira said. “You can come with me, if ya want? Get away from here, okay?”

Robert nodded and picked at the skin around his fingernail.

Moira led him to her truck and held the door open for him. He kept glancing around, looking for a leering face in the crowd, but he didn’t see any. But it didn’t mean that they weren’t there.

They were silent on the way up to Butler’s and Robert couldn’t remember ever having spent time alone with Moira before this moment. It should have been awkward but it wasn’t; she just let him be quiet and got him out of the village.

“Why’d you help me back there?” Robert asked as they pulled into the drive that lead up to Moira’s farmhouse.

“Cause you needed it,” Moira said simply.

Robert nodded and followed Moira into the house, awkwardly shuffling his feet around.

“I’m just gonna make a brew and then I’ll leave you for a bit,” Moira said. “Figured you’d need some time alone. It’s not easy to be around a village this small on the best of days. Can’t imagine how difficult it is after a stint away, in prison and all that.”

Robert nodded and took a seat at the table, his eyes staring down at his folded hands.

“Did something happen?” Moira asked at the counter, her back still to Robert.

“Nothing I hadn’t expected,” Robert said.

“Doesn’t mean it should have,” Moira said.

“Just, you know, Chas angry that I was back,” Robert said. “I get it. I hurt Aaron badly when I went away. I know that. But where else was I supposed to go?”

Moira nodded and turned to face him, the hum of the kettle brewing slicing through the silence. “You didn’t just ‘go away,’ Robert. You went to prison.”

“Yeah.”

The kettle clicked and she turned around to make their teas. She passed one to Robert and hesitated at the end of the table. “If you wanted to talk about it, I can listen.”

“I can’t imagine Chas and the rest of them would be too happy with you siding with me,” Robert said.

“It’s not siding with or against anyone,” Moira said. “I just understand that you were in an impossible situation where there wasn’t really a right answer. You did what you had to for yourself, for Aaron and Vic.”

Robert swallowed. “Don’t let the other Dingles hear you talk like that. They’ll chuck you out.”

“I know what it feels like to be on the outside of that circle,” Moira said. “To have people you thought were your family turn their back on you.”

Robert frowned. “You and Cain?”

“We’re okay. Now,” Moira said. “But we weren’t for a while. And it was like the entire village was there to throw stones. Yeah, I messed up, but I was completely alone. I suppose I just, I know how it feels.”

“I’m sorry,” Robert said.

“Figured if anyone knows how that feels, it’d be you, eh?” Moira asked with a smile.

“Did you win them back around?” Robert asked.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Moira said. “But I realized that the only ones that mattered were my kids and Cain. The rest of them can think what they like.”

Robert nodded and took a sip of his tea.

“I’ll leave you, but I’m here if you ever need someone outside Vic and Diane to talk to. Or just need somewhere outside the village.” Moira reached for his shoulder and squeezed it. “I don’t want you to feel like you’ve got no one, all right?”

Robert swallowed. “Thanks, Moira.”

She smiled at him and dropped her hand before walking outside.

Robert was left alone at her kitchen table, drinking his tea. It was the first time he felt like he could really breathe properly since leaving the house this morning. There was just too much going on here, too many people who wanted his attention or wanted to talk to him or wanted to yell at him. It was almost like his life from before he went away.

Like, back when everything had gone to shit the first time and Ross has tried to kill him. It feels similar to that time where everyone couldn’t stop staring at him, either with a look that said they wished he had dropped dead—The Dingles—or looks like they couldn’t wait to see him crack and have a breakdown in the village square—everyone else. Back then he only had Victoria really. Now he at least had Jimmy and Nicola, Diane and Bernice, even Moira which he wasn’t sure how to feel about that

How was he meant to move on, move passed his time in prison when everyone was constantly reminding him of it? Or when his own mind started conjuring up images of Ross standing in front of him, phantom gun shots and screaming, what was he meant to do then? How was he supposed to dump that on everyone else around him? It wasn’t fair—that’s what he kept coming round to. It wasn’t fair of him to cut them all off, refuse to speak to them or see them for two years, and then go to them to deal with his own issues.

He took a sip of tea, trying to will it to feel normal to be sitting in Moira’s empty kitchen drinking tea. Maybe if he willed things enough, it’d just start happening the way it was supposed to—the way he planned for it.

He’d had a counselor—sort of—in prison. He’d been great and actually seemed to understand why Robert cut his family off. He had tried to get Robert to see them, or at least respond to Victoria’s letters, but he never pushed too hard. And things seemed to even out when he started getting visits from Jimmy and Nicola.

But they’d planned for his release and the different ways that it might affect him. He was prepared for the sleepless nights and the fear of being taken back to prison. He’d even prepared for negative reactions from everyone. What they hadn’t prepared for was how much Robert tended to panic at the thought of making a decision, of having _time_ to make a decision. And, of course, the way his brain was mixing his prison time and the feelings he was having now to the feelings he’d had back when he was shot.

It hadn’t even crossed his mind that this might be a possibility for him. Robert didn’t even tell his counselor that he’d been shot. It hadn’t come up and honestly, Robert preferred not to talk about it. It brought up awful memories and terrible pain, not to mention there was nothing he could say without incriminating either his brother who was still on the run or the man who was basically raising his son.

No one left that story coming off well, and Robert had made his peace with it. Or at least, he thought he had.

His hands shook as he took another drink of tea. His letter had to have reached Rebecca by now. He’d sent it to his solicitor two weeks before his release date with the instructions to mail it to her after he’d been released, along with his solicitor’s information to set up visits or a visitation schedule. He knew that he’d no longer get unsupervised visits with Seb, if any visits at all. He was just hoping that Rebecca, who knows what it’s like to have no one, would not force him to go to court over it. That she’s be willing to work out an arrangement between them. He just wanted to get to know his son again. If Seb even wanted to—if he even remembered who he was.

Robert shook his head. That wasn’t a trail of thought to go down today, not right now, sitting in Moira’s kitchen when Cain could turn up at any moment. He drank the rest of his tea, suddenly wanting to be sure he was gone before running into anyone else. But this place had been a safe haven for him and he’d be sure to thank Moira for it in the future. Maybe he’d get her some flowers or buy her a drink, if Chas even deigned to let him into the pub again. Something.

For now, he cleaned the mug he used and set it on the rack to dry, along with the other few dishes that were waiting in the sink. It was the least he could do since he didn’t want to risk leaving a note for Moira—what if Cain found it? He’d have Chas and company banging down his door—Jimmy and Nicola’s door actually—with torches and pitchforks in the night. This was better.

He just wished that Chas realized Robert wasn’t trying to ruin anything for anyone, _especially_ Aaron. He still loved Aaron and always would, he’d meant those words. But Robert had nowhere else to go. He had no family other than the three people in this village, two of which probably didn’t think of him as family until recently, if ever.

He wanted to repair things with Victoria and Diane, get to know his nephew, have a relationship with his son again. Maybe, if he was lucky, fix things with Aaron. Maybe not _fix_ fix things, but at least apologize to him for what happened and hope that the Aaron who used to love him, who knew him better than anyone would at least begin to understand the decisions Robert made.

Robert wasn’t here to ruin things for anyone. He was just here trying to get something of his old life back. Or at least, the start of a new life.

* * *

Robert ended up walking back from Butler’s farm alone after tidying up a bit in Moira’s kitchen. She hadn’t bothered him again after she left. Nor had anyone else. He figured that she’s have given him a lift into the village if he’d asked, but he didn’t. He wanted to be alone for a bit, where he only had to focus on putting one foot in front of the other—and not getting hit by any oncoming cars. There was nothing else he needed to focus on or worry about.

It was nice, being able to just exist for a while, get his head round a few things, and calm down without people pressing him from all sides about missing him, wanting him around, not wanting him around, hating that he’s back.

It was difficult enough trying to figure out his own complicated feelings about being back in Emmerdale, being released from prison, without having everyone telling him how to feel and what they think. He was exhausted. He wondered how long it was going to take before things started feeling somewhat normal again.

His mind was so blank that he didn’t realize he was right outside the village until he saw the cemetery in front of him. He hadn’t been to visit his mum since coming back. He’d wanted to bring her flowers, but he didn’t want to go into the village and risk someone seeing him or stopping him. He could always bring her flowers tomorrow.

He walked over to where her grave was and saw that there were some flowers there already. They were wilted and older looking, but it was nice to know that Victoria or Diane had been thinking of her too.

“Hi mum,” Robert said quietly as he crouched in front of the grave. He let his fingers trace over _Sarah Sugden_ as if that would somehow connect them more. “I’m back.”

He swallowed thickly. He’d talked to his mother, heard her voice during his time in prison occasionally. It was usually after he’d fought through Jack’s voice; it’d be her voice telling Robert that he was so strong and that he kept putting the people he loved before himself because he had such a big heart. It might have been his own wishful thinking, but it had brought him comfort to think that his mum might have thought that. It was much better than the terror that she’d have hated him for all the horrible things he’d done in the past.

“To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I don’t feel like I belong here anymore,” Robert said. “And it’s hard to be here when all I can do is remember how happy I used to be.”

He dropped his hand. “I’m not _unhappy_ to be back. It’s just different. Maybe I’m just finding my footing yet. I dunno. I’m sorry I don’t have flowers. I promise I’ll bring you some fresh ones soon.”

Robert hesitated. He didn’t know what else to say, what more he could say. It just felt like he was constantly rehashing the same conversation over and over again with different people. It was getting tiresome.

“I’m not sure how to be a person right now,” Robert said quietly. “And I don’t know how to tell that to people. I’m either hated or loved and I’m just trying to remember how to _be_ again. How do I tell that to people? They’ll think I’ve cracked. Maybe I have…”

He sighed and pressed more firmly on her gravestone. “My head’s messed up, I think, being here again after everything. Maybe I should have just stayed away after dad sent me off all them years ago.

“What am I meant to do, mum?” Robert bit his lip as the silence stretched out, the way it always did. He nodded once and sniffed, staring down at the grass under him.

“I wish you were here, mum. I miss you so much.” Robert patted her headstone and stood up. He walked along the path back to the village square, but stopped when he felt another presence. His back stiffened and he raised his head. Aaron stood there, hands in his pockets and his face unreadable.

“You all right?” Aaron asked.

Robert let out a huff of laughter. “No. I don’t think I am. But what else is new, eh?”

“Rob—”

“Please,” Robert said, holding up his hand. “I can’t right now. I just… I’ve had a really long day and I just… I can’t.”

Aaron nodded, his arms pushing his hands deeper into his pockets. “All right.”

“Thank you.” His eyes burned and his throat tightened but Robert continued on to Jimmy and Nicola’s. Once he got inside, he’d be free to break down, cry, or be numb because there’d be no one there to see him. And then he’d be able to piece himself together, just like he always had, and put on a brave face.

If he kept doing this, eventually it had to become second nature again, right?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miss me? So sorry about how long this chapter has taken. The current state of the world has not been great at my ability to be productive and honestly, I just didn't have it in me to write for the longest time. For those of you still with me, thank you so much and I'm going to try and keep working on this a bit more steadily for right now as things level out with this quaratine situation. I hope you all are staying safe and healthy and remembering to take care of yourselves as well. 
> 
> Come say ["hi!" on tumblr!](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/ask) ♥♥♥

The next few days passed without incident for Robert, though he kept a low profile. He spent the weekend hanging out with the King children, who had done an amazing job at keeping him from spiraling and fretting about Seb, his future, and what the village was saying about him.

Victoria and Harry stopped by on Sunday to spend some time with Robert as well. He had planned to go to her house, but when he’d opened the door, he caught sight of Cain and Robert just couldn’t do it. He’d called Vic and said something about feeling exhausted, but instead of letting him cancel she offered to come to Jimmy and Nicola’s. She’d even promised to leave as soon as he got overwhelmed or whenever Robert wanted to be alone.

It was strange cause as pushy as his sister could be and had been in the past, it was like she really understood him now in a way that she never had before. Or maybe she had but Robert had been in such deep denial or wearing a mask that he’d not been able to see it.

Either way, it was nice. It was nice to be able to just say, “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed” and have people give him space. They didn’t demand he explain himself or push. They didn’t force him to stick around. They backed off and he was given the time and space he needed. He’d been using that phrase a lot, though, without actually explaining anything. He wondered how long people were going to let him get away with that.

He dreaded the day they’d confront him about it, force him to finally talk because he had no idea what he was going to say. How he was going to explain exactly what and how he was feeling? Besides, it was getting easier to pretend that everything was perfectly fine with him; he just occasionally needed space and got overwhelmed. He was handling his transition from prison to freedom just fine.

And today, today he was going to get his hair cut by Bernice. She’d come into the salon earlier than usual so there’d be no one else there while she cut his hair. They’d only seen each other once since he’d gotten out. She’d rushed over to Jimmy and Nicola’s on one of his first nights back to hug him and tell him that she’d missed him.

He was still getting used to having all these people tell him that they missed him or cared about him because he’d never really felt that before. He was awful and did horrible things, so it wasn’t surprising that most people hated him, but this was different. It was like they were really seeing him as a person and accepting some of his flaws. At least, that’s what it felt like right now. Though he didn’t _really_ want to test that theory.

The sun was just barely rising, the autumn days starting with a darkness that was lasting later and later into the mornings, but it was much quieter than it had been every other time Robert stumbled outside the house. There didn’t seem to be anyone else on the road, so he was able to power over to _Beauty & Bernice _with his hands tucked into his pockets and head tilted down.

The little bell over the door jingled to announce his presence and Bernice welcomed him inside with a hug.

“If you hadn’t just gotten out of prison, I’d have never gotten up this early,” Bernice complained. She didn’t have make up on and her own hair was thrown up in some sort of messy bun.

“What about the fact that I’m your step-brother?” Robert asked as he carefully took of his coat—Jimmy’s coat. He still hadn’t made it to the store to go shopping for his own stuff yet.

“As my step-brother you should know not to get me up before the flipping sun,” Bernice said. “I should be charging you extra.”

“There’s your generous heart,” Robert said, feeling some of the tension he’d been carrying fall away. Him and Bernice had never been incredibly close, but this banter felt more normal than anything else he’d experienced so far.

Bernice came over and reached out to give him a hug. It was stiff and awkward, but honestly not the worst hug he’d ever received. She moved her hands from his back to the top of his shoulders, squeezed tightly. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m all right, yeah.”

“You’ve just come from prison and you’re ‘all right?’ Honestly, you men and your ridiculous need to refuse to acknowledge your emotions!” Bernice dropped her hands and moved toward one of the chairs.

“You still a counselor?” Robert asked as he moved over to where she gestured.

“Yes. You looking for a bit of advice?”

“No,” Robert said. “Just wondering if that’s how you talk to everyone coming to you.”

“Of course I don’t!” Bernice said. “Well, not to all of them. Though some of them could use a couple hard truths.”

Robert nodded and kept himself from looking at his own reflection. He didn’t recognize the man in the mirror and wasn’t sure if he wanted to face him again.

“Nicola said you just wanted a haircut?” Bernice prompted, her fingers moving through his shaggy hair.

Robert nodded. “Yeah. And maybe you could help me with this beard?”

“Don’t like it?”

“No,” Robert said.

“That’s no problem. Let’s start with that since I’m only really trimming it down. I don’t really have the ability to give you a proper close shave or anything,” Bernice said.

The idea of someone being that close to him with a blade sent a bolt of panic through his body. “That’s—That’s fine. I just needed it trimmed before shaving it myself.”

“Not a problem.” Bernice walked over to the other counter to grab a hair clipper before turning to Robert to start trimming his facial hair.

The quiet buzzing of the clipper was fine until it got near Robert’s face and he immediately jerked away.

“So-sorry,” Robert said, pulling himself back straight in the chair. He wrenched his eyes shut and his leg bounced as he sat and waited for the buzzing to get close to his face again.

“If it’s too much,” Bernice said quietly, “We can just wait a bit. Or you could do this yourself?”

Robert shook his head. “It’s just an electric razor. I don’t know why this happened. I think you just startled me, that’s all.”

“Or _maybe_ you’re just having a hard time adjusting to life outside of prison. You were in there for two years, Rob,” Bernice said. “It’s not like it’s only going to take an afternoon to get over.”

“But this, this is nothing compared to the other stuff,” Robert said before his words caught up to him.

Bernice turned the razor off. “What other stuff?”

Robert opened his eyes as he heard her moving around. “Just you know, learning to sleep on an actual bed really. Nothing major.”

Bernice turned around, her hands on her hips. “Robert Sugden, don’t you dare try to diminish this. We all know that you’re bound to struggle a bit. It’s all right to admit it, even if you don’t need or _want_ help.”

“But nothing happened in there,” Robert defended, his mind unable to let go of that one detail. If nothing happened, then it shouldn’t be this difficult for him. If something had happened or like what Aaron had gone through, then he’d have understood all these struggles. But he can’t even let someone cut his hair—what’s that got to do with anything?

Bernice walked back over holding scissors and a comb in her hands. “But you were still in there, Robert. You still had to learn to live there and be there, all without any help or real support from your family. That alone is going to take some getting used to now that we’re all around you again.”

Bernice started combing through his hair as Robert thought about what she said. It was true that having to get used to having his family around him, people around him who genuinely cared about him and wanted him to be doing okay and feel better and all that was a lot harder to get used to than he wanted to admit. It wasn’t that he didn’t want their help or didn’t appreciate their support; he just wasn’t used to it.

“I can’t imagine what it was like to do that without anyone,” Bernice said. “Must have been really difficult.”

_Easier than you might think_.

Truth was, Robert had been dealing with a lot by himself for the few months before his imprisonment. He’d done everything he could to make sure that the people around him felt loved and supported and that they weren’t too stressed out. Vic was pregnant, Liv had her seizure scare, and Aaron was close to cracking—Robert had had to keep strong for all of them. Yeah, he’d have liked to have visitors and things to look forward to that broke up the monotony of the weeks there, but he also knew just how much of a toll that would be on his family.

He knew that Vic wouldn’t be able to afford to come and visit him, not with a baby on the way. And she’d have stressed herself out or cut corners or carry guilt over not being able to visit him as often as she felt she should. And Aaron would have been the same—if he hadn’t just up and moved closer to the Isle of Wight. Aaron would have been all alone on an island with no one to help him cope with how much he wouldn’t have been able to see Robert.

Robert couldn’t do that to either of them.

“I had Nicola and Jimmy for a bit,” Robert said.

“Yeah, but not your family,” Bernice said. “You know, Vic and Aaron would have loved to visit you while you were inside, keep your mind off things.”

“Until they didn’t,” Robert said under his breath. Bernice stopped combing his hair and Robert wondered if maybe she heard him, but she didn’t say anything about it. She just started cutting his hair.

“But it is good that you had them. I’m sure Nicola put up quite the fight to see you,” Bernice said.

“Yeah. Think the guards were pretty close to just letting her into the cells to get her to stop phoning so much,” Robert said, smiling a bit.

“There’s that wit,” Bernice said. “It’s good to see that’s still in you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m trying,” Robert said.

“Course you are,” Bernice said. “It’s not like you to just give up when things get tough.”

Robert didn’t say anything and just watched Bernice continue cutting his hair.

“Can I ask why you wanted me to cut your hair—apart from missing me dreadfully while you were inside?” Bernice asked him.

“You’ve been pestering me for ages to see ya,” Robert said, side-stepping her question. “I figured this would be a way to make that happen. Besides, I needed a haircut.”

“You’re right about that,” Bernice said. “You’re starting to look normal again. I mean, apart from the weird beard.”

“You don’t think I should just keep it?” Robert asked.

“In my professional opinion, No.” Bernice ran her hands through Robert’s hair, inspecting it through the mirror. “You have a handsome face and hiding it underneath that facial hair isn’t doing you any favors.”

Robert smiled at that. “I appreciate your _professional_ opinion.”

“But I’m sure you’ll end up doing whatever you want.” Bernice said as she set down her tools on the counter. “You never listen to me anyways.”

“I have!”

“When?”

“When you give me advice worth following,” Robert argued.

“I’ll have you know that’s the only advice I’m capable of giving,” Bernice said as she handed Robert the electric razor. “You, like everyone else, only want to hear what you want to hear.”

Robert smiled again and looked at himself in the mirror. “Do you want me to do this over the sink or something?”

“There’s no mirrors over there. Besides, I’ve got to sweep your hair up later anyways.” Bernice walked behind the counter and started writing things out in a notebook.

Robert brought the hair trimmer to his face and tried not to feel the trembling in his hand. It was just shaving, something he’d been doing for ages now. Why was this such a big deal? Why was his stupid mind _making_ this such a big deal? Having someone else so near his face with a sharp blade was bound to make him nervous and anxious. But this? This was his own face and his own hands, with a razor that wasn’t as sharp and wouldn’t get too close to the skin.

_You’re making another step towards trying to become who you were before you went to prison_.

That thought brought Robert’s hand to a halt. Was that it? He _wanted_ to become more like the man he’d been before prison and not this weird, anxious shell of a man that had come out of it. Why would taking a step towards that cause so much stress?

“Problem?” Bernice said after noticing Robert just sitting there with the buzzing razor in his hand.

“Oh, um, no,” Robert said. “Just getting one last look in.”

“Men and their facial hair.” She shook her head and went back to her notebook.

Robert let out a breath and brought the razor to his face, running it along his cheek. _No going back now_ , he thought as he trimmed away a swatch of hair. With every stroke of the razor, more of his anxiety slipped away.

When he was done, he wasn’t sure why he had been so worried about that in the first place. He looked more like his old self, but it wasn’t like he just miraculously _felt_ like his old self. And if everyone was already walking on eggshells around him right now, it’s not like a haircut and shave was going to make that any different.

“Feeling better?” Bernice asked him.

“Actually, yeah.” Robert said as he inspected himself in the mirror again.

“Looking good and feeling good always go hand-in-hand,” Bernice said.

“I’m not sure that’s exactly true,” Robert said.

Bernice came back around the counter to help him take off the cape-gown-thing he was wearing and patted at his hair again.

“I don’t want to pressure you or anything,” Bernice started, “but do you know when I might get to see you again? I want to spend more time with you, but don’t want to overwhelm you or anything.”

Robert swallowed. “Oh, um, soon? I’m spending the weekend at Vic’s cause Jimmy’s taking Nicola and the kids on a surprise weekend away.”

“Why Victoria’s? Why not just stay at their house alone?” Bernice asked him.

_Cause I can’t stand the quiet anymore?_

“Oh, cause Vic’s been asking me to stay at hers for a bit and spend some time with Harry. I think she wants me to move back to hers, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” Robert said.

“That’s probably smart, especially since she’s got a baby now. Likely won’t get much sleep there,” Bernice said. “Mum’s said that Harry’s had a hard time sleeping through the night lately. She thinks it’s him teething yet or just starting the terrible two’s.”

“Right.” Robert remembered when Seb was just starting that phase, right before Robert left. How long had it lasted?

“If you’re up to it, maybe I’ll stop by for dinner or something while you’re staying with Victoria,” Bernice said. “Something casual where we can all just talk.”

“Sure.” 

Bernice opened her mouth as if to say something more, but then closed it and smiled at him. “It’s a date then.”

Robert nodded. “Thanks, Bernice. You know. For this.”

“Of course.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and then stepped away from him. “I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Robert turned and walked from the salon, struggling with the sense of ease he felt. It wasn’t comfortable, things shouldn’t feel easier right now and he wasn’t sure why that was happening. Or what was happening.

He stood outside the salon and ran his hands through his shortened hair. It felt good to have his hair sorted, as superficial as that might have sounded to other people. It had only taken him a week or so to actually work up the courage and calm himself down enough to actually do it.

“Looking good, Robert!”

Robert startled but he turned and saw Moira walking towards him. He smiled a little bit as she stopped in front of him. “Thought it was about time I sorted that out.”

“Does it feel any better for ya?”

Robert shrugged. “I guess so. It’s just…”

“Strange?” Moira offered.

Robert nodded. “Yeah. A bit.”

“Well, I’m sure it’ll feel less strange as the time goes on,” Moira said. “You’ve just got to allow yourself time to figure out how to be in the village again and you know, time to process everything. But it’ll happen.”

“Wish it wasn’t taking so long,” Robert admitted as he looked down.

“You can’t be so hard on yourself,” Moira said. “You’re doing great and you’ve got people who love you and want to support you.”

“I don’t even know what I want from them,” Robert said.

“Well, I think telling them that is a good first step,” Moira said. “And remember it’s only been a week. It’s not going to just work itself out overnight.”

“Yeah.” Moira was right—just like Nicola and Jimmy were right; he couldn’t expect himself to bounce back as though he’d never left.

“Hiya, Aaron,” Moira called out, waving to him as he walked over to them.

“You all right?” Aaron asked. His voice was deeper and gruffer than Robert remembered. Had it always been this deep and he just forgot? Or had it changed in the years Robert wasn’t around? Or was it just simply the morning and he hadn’t had his coffee or tea yet?

“Getting there, eh Robert?” Moira asked, dragging Robert into the conversation.

Aaron looked at him and Robert had to drop his gaze. “Uh, yeah.”

Moira reached out to squeeze his arm. “Hang in there. And cut yourself some slack.”

“Yeah.” Robert looked up to smile at her, but he felt it was more like a grimace on his face.

“We’ll talk later, yeah? Have a good day you two,” Moira said with a gentle smile.

“Yeah. Later Moira.” Aaron said. Robert knew Aaron was looking at him but he couldn’t turn his eyes towards him. Being around him, being near him, was too much for him right now.

They stood there in silence as Moira walked away and back to her truck.

“Holding up okay?” Aaron asked quietly.

Robert shrugged. “Just getting on with things. Or trying to anyways.”

Aaron coughed. “You don’t have to act like you’re okay if you’re not.”

Robert looked up at Aaron and their eyes locked. “Yeah. I know.”

There was a heavy pause before a door opening startling both of them. Robert jumped and looked around for Chas or someone else. His heart raced and he could hear his own breathing as he looked around.

“Robert—”

“I’ve gotta go,” Robert said, cutting Aaron off and backing away from him. “I promised Jimmy I’d help him this morning.”

And like the coward he is, Robert turned and nearly ran back to Jimmy and Nicola’s. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Aaron’s comfort—he did. If he had the chance, Robert would run to him and beg him to just hold him until things started making sense, until his brain could figure out and distinguish between memories and reality, could stop making him relive everything about his shooting.

But he couldn’t do that, even if Aaron had been receptive. Robert didn’t deserve Aaron’s support, not after everything he put Aaron through. Not to mention Chas and the entire village didn’t want Robert within ten feet of Aaron.

Also, Robert was fine. He was working through things and figuring it out on his own. He didn’t need or want to burden anyone. And he was fine. Things were fine.

* * *

Robert sat in the living room at the Kings, surrounded by the sounds of Jimmy working away in the kitchen. He’d really taken to being the care-taker of his family, which now included Robert. 

“How was your day?” Jimmy asked him as he prepared their dinner.

“Fine.”

“Right. Just like the last few days then,” Jimmy said.

Robert looked over at him. “What’s that mean?”

“It just means that you’re obviously not fine. But instead of talking about it or admitting it, you’re just pretending things are all fine,” Jimmy said.

“And you know what it’s like to get out of prison?” Robert asked.

“No.”

“Exactly. Then just know that I’m handling it.” Robert crossed his arms.

“I’m not trying to upset ya,” Jimmy said. “But if you’re not one hundred percent fine, that’s okay. It’s going to take some getting used to being out, being here and all that.”

Robert swallowed. “I know.”

“So then why aren’t you just admitting that you’re still adjusting?” Jimmy asked.

“Because I don’t… I don’t know how to talk about it.”

“Talk about what?”

“Being out here,” Robert said waving a hand. “I’m not sure how I feel about it all and everything’s so busy and I’m trying, but it’s just… so hard.”

Jimmy hummed but went back to puttering around the kitchen.

“I’m just trying to get on with things, all right.”

“Sure,” Jimmy said. “But just cause you want to doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.”

“You take counseling courses too?” Robert asked.

“No. But I do know a little bit of what it feels like for things to be overwhelming and not sure how to go about working your way through it,” Jimmy said.

Robert looked away and said nothing.

“Look.” Jimmy turned around, holding a spoon in his hand and a towel tucked into his apron. “I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy. And I’m not saying I know what you’re feeling or going through.”

“Are you saying anything at all then?” Robert asked.

“That you’re not alone,” Jimmy said. “And we’re not gonna abandon ya as you figure things out. But you can’t just bury your head in the sand forever about it.”

Robert swallowed and looked down. “I’m not _trying_ to bury my head.”

“I know you’re not, but you’re putting so much pressure on yourself,” Jimmy said. “You just have to take things one day at a time for right now. Things will get easier.”

“What if they don’t?” Robert asked quietly.

“Then we find a way to make it easier for you,” Jimmy said. He turned back to the food he was cooking.

Robert sighed because it wasn’t going to be that easy; it never was that easy. He couldn’t even get his head on right, couldn’t fully sleep through the entire night, and just generally didn’t like going outside. And it wasn’t that he was _scared_ of being outside, but more the stress of knowing that people were looking at him that was difficult for him. But he didn’t know how to talk about that.

“You all right with us going away for the weekend, right?” Jimmy asked. “We can always stay behind.”

“Nah,” Robert said waving his hand. “You lot need this break. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re staying with Victoria, right?” Jimmy asked.

“Yeah. Figured it’d be easier,” Robert said. _And I am scared of being alone. Of what my own mind is capable of_.

“Well, we’ll be back Sunday afternoon and I’m sure the kids’ll love to fill you in on everything,” Jimmy said.

“That’ll be good,” Robert said. He cleared his throat. “I um, spoke to Rebecca today. You know, about Seb.”

“That’s great, mate!” Jimmy said, dropping his spook in his excitement. “When do ya get to see him?”

“Well, I’m still trying to figure that out,” Robert said. “She was a little annoyed that my solicitor sent her that letter, to be honest.”

“You were just covering all your bases,” Jimmy said. “It was smart to start that way because you don’t know how receptive she was gonna be.”

“That’s why I did it,” Robert said. “I think I might see if Vic wants to go and visit him with me this weekend or next weekend. Just to have some back up, ya know?”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Jimmy said.

“I just think anything overnight will be too difficult right now. Not counting the fact I’d have nowhere for him to sleep,” Robert said.

“If you did, you know we’d find a way to make it work. He could share with Carl or I could make the boys bunk up and give him his own room,” Jimmy said. “If it’s something you want, we can make it work.”

Robert shook his head. “It’s fine.”

“Nervous?” Jimmy said, walking over to sit at the table with Robert.

“How am I going to get him to know me, like me?” Robert asked, his throat burning. “When he was a baby, I was there, ya know? He didn’t remember the mess I made of things. I was just the guy who was there.”

Jimmy sighed. “There’s not a formula for it, Robert. He’ll probably remember ya, at least a little bit. You’re his dad and it hasn’t been that long.”

“But he was just a baby when I left, barely two years old,” Robert said. “I’ve been gone over half his life.”

“Yeah, but kids don’t really know time, do they?” Jimmy said.

“What if he doesn’t like me?” Robert asked.

“Of course he’s gonna like ya. You’re his dad.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s going to like me,” Robert said thinking of his own father. Though as a child Robert did love him, still does in a way, he still knows first-hand how impossible it is to reconcile with a father after things reach a breaking point.

“I don’t even know him,” Robert said quietly. “What he likes, what he doesn’t like. If he has any allergies.”

“Then ask him,” Jimmy said. “You remember my Elliot, right? He came to me when he was a child, one that I knew nothing about. We had to get to know each other again, well twice really.”

Robert didn’t say anything, twisting his hands together.

“Besides, kids are easy, mate,” Jimmy said. “You’ve seen mine. They’re bursting to tell you every little thing they did during the day. Your Seb will be the same, trust me.”

“You really think so?” Robert asked.

“I know so,” Jimmy said. “You just have to listen and love them and everything will turn out just fine.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah. All right.”

“Now, are you gonna try this sauce to tell me how it is?” Jimmy asked, grabbing a small spoon from the drawer.

It wasn’t enough and Robert wasn’t ready, but Jimmy had made him feel a little bit better. Time was the only thing Robert really had now, and he’d use some of it to get to know his son again. He’d start with a visit to introduce himself again and see how it goes. One step at a time.

* * *

Robert went outside that evening, feeling a bit more hopeful about everything. He wasn’t alone and he was trying to figure things out. It wasn’t going to be perfect or quick and that’s okay; he had people now to care about that.

He wanted to go out and buy some flowers for his mum’s grave and a new razor for himself. He wanted to finally get to work at shaving the rest of this facial hair off. But he wanted to wait until evening when David’s would be less busy. Or closed. Robert didn’t know the hours of the shop anymore and it didn’t matter. If he was closed, he’d stop in tomorrow in the afternoon when most everyone was at work or school. Robert had plans and back-up plans for those plans.

But he hadn’t planned for seeing Chas and Aaron walking out of the shop right as Robert was getting to the door. He froze and willed the universe to make him invisible.

“Figured I’d see you skulking about.”

“Chas. Aaron,” Robert said quietly. He pushed his hands in his pockets and looked down.

“What are you doing here?” Chas asked.

“Getting flowers,” Robert said. “If David’s got any in.”

“Sending them to someone special is it?” Chas asked.

“Mum!” Aaron hissed.

“They’re for my mum,” Robert said and pushed his way into the shop.

“Aaron, I don’t want you to get hurt by him again—” Chas was saying before the door closed and cut her off.

He didn’t have to deal with Chas or listen to her. Him and Aaron weren’t together anymore and never would be, so he had no reason to try and get on her good side again. Though to be honest, had he ever been on her good side? Or had she merely tolerated his presence because of Aaron?

Robert snatched a razor from the shop and went to the flowers. He grabbed the first ones he saw that might work and went to pay. Eric was there tonight and actually didn’t say anything to Robert at all.

He shoved his wallet and new razor into his coat pocket— _Jimmy’s_ coat pocket _—_ clutched his flowers as he walked out of the shop, half expecting Chas to be waiting outside of the shop. But she wasn’t there.

Aaron was.

Robert looked at him before looking away and turning towards Jimmy and Nicola’s.

“Robert. Wait.” Aaron said quietly.

He stopped but didn’t turn around to face Aaron. Aaron came next to him, keeping a distance between them.

“I’m sorry. About my mum,” Aaron said. “You don’t deserve that.”

Robert laughed. “Of course I do, Aaron. I’ve not done anything to _not_ deserve that.”

Aaron didn’t say anything.

“Don’t worry about it,” Robert said.

“I don’t want you to think I’m thinking like her,” Aaron admitted quietly.

Robert looked at him for the first time, seeing his wide eyes as he chewed on his lip. “Then how are you thinking, Aaron?”

Aaron closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. And said nothing.

“I’ve never held your family’s issues with me against you, and I’m not gonna start now,” Robert said, exhaustion seeping into every word. “But your mum wouldn’t like this happening and I’m not strong enough to deal with it right now. I’ve got to go.”

Aaron looked down and nodded. Again he said nothing. 

“Night, Aaron.”

Robert turned around and walked away, leaving Aaron standing in the road. It killed him to know that Aaron was clearly struggling with Robert being back, but Robert couldn’t do anything about it right now. Robert could barely walk down the street during the day right now and has to spend hours preparing and working himself up to leaving the house; he didn’t have the space to try and figure out what’s going on with Aaron as much as he might want to.

Not to mention, Robert just didn’t have the energy to spar with Chas every time he so much as talked to Aaron. Maybe one day Robert would be able to stand up for himself around Chas, but he couldn’t do that right now. And he didn’t really want to. He didn’t want to make even more enemies when he already felt the village was full of them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry that this took a bit of time. I had some major reworking to do as I had a realization of how this fic needed to go. So some changes had to happen for this chapter to make the upcoming ones work. See the end of the chapter notes for more info. 
> 
> Come say [ "hi!"](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/ask) on tumblr! ♥♥♥

It was harder than Robert thought it was gonna be to pack for his weekend at Victoria’s. Not because he had a lot of stuff, but because he didn’t. Nicola had bought him some t-shirts and joggers, but he was getting a little tired of wearing them. Or borrowing some ill-fitting button-down shirt from Jimmy. Robert had to go out and buy some clothes, actual clothes for himself, but it was still too much. Too many choices, from where and when to go, to what he wanted to buy.

His small bag sat on the bed, the middle section opened and waiting for Robert to put his last few things in. It was pathetic, really, that his entire life was now reduced to whatever was in this bag. He had no home, no car, nothing but a broken mobile phone, a few articles of clothing, and this bed. He wondered what his old self, the one before Aaron, would do in this situation.

“Uncle Robert?”

Robert turned around to see Angel standing in the door to his room. “Did you need something?”

She nodded and walked into the room. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“Am I going to be okay?” Robert frowned. “Or course I am. What’s brought this on?”

“It’s just, we’re going away for the weekend and I know that mum and dad are worried about you,” Angel said. “I can stay home if you want.”

Robert cleared his throat. “That’s very sweet of you, Angel, but I promise ya I’m gonna be fine.”

“But you’re going to be all alone and you were already alone for a really long time,” Angel complained, sitting down on the edge of Robert’s bed. “What if you get sad and we’re not here to help you?”

“I will be okay, I promise you,” Robert said firmly. “But because you lot are worried about me, I’m gonna spend the weekend at my sister’s.”

“Victoria?”

Robert nodded. “Yeah. It’ll give us some time to catch up and I won’t be alone. So see, there’s no reason to worry about me.”

“But what if you can’t sleep?” Angel asked. “I’ve been keeping my brother’s quiet so you can rest cause my dad says that’s the best thing for you. But Victoria’s got a baby.”

Robert was incredibly touched at her trying to stop her brothers from being too loud. For some reason she’d become really protective of Robert in that child-like way and it was incredibly sweet. Honestly, it was such a foreign experience Robert didn’t know what to do with it most days.

“Look,” Robert said as he sat down on the edge of the bed by Angel. “Baby or no baby, it’s important that I spend time with my sister. She missed me and I’d like the chance to get to know my nephew.”

“But babies are noisy,” Angel said.

“That’s true,” Robert said. “But I don’t think it will keep me from getting rest. If it does, I promise you that I’ll sleep extra long next week to make up for it when I’m back here.”

“You’re coming back here?” Angel asked.

_So this must be what she’s worried about_. Robert nodded solemnly at her. “I was always coming back after the weekend.”

“You promise that you’re not going to move away?” Angel asked.

“I might have to someday,” Robert said, not wanting to give any empty promises or ones he might not be able to keep. “But I have no plans to move any time soon. And if I do, you’ll be the first person I tell.”

“Okay,” Angel said. “Did you want me to bring anything back for you?”

“Aren’t you going to Cornwall?” Robert asked, trying to think of anything he could suggest to her.

“Yeah. But they have stuff there,” Angel argued.

“I don’t really need anything,” Robert said.

“Uncle Robert,” Angel whined. He’d have thought she’d grown out of that but apparently not.

“I can’t think of anything, but why don’t you look while you’re there? I’m sure I’ll love whatever you find for me,” Robert said.

Angel nodded. “Did you need help packing?”

Robert smiled. “I was gonna grab my stuff from the bathroom. Did you want to put these shirts in the bag for me?”

Angel nodded and got to work.

When Robert got back from the bathroom, she was holding a letter in her hands. Robert froze. It was the letter he’d written to Aaron months ago, _years_ ago—the one he’d never been able to bring himself to send.

“What’s this?” she asked waving it at Robert.

“I dunno. Probably something from my solicitor,” Robert said as he reached for the letter.

“It says ‘Aaron’ though,” Angel said.

“Must have been something for both of us,” Robert said, pulling it away from her and pretending to inspect it. “Something I needed to sign.”

“It’s not opened,” Angel said.

“It must not be important then, eh?” Robert said, smiling at her and setting his toiletries into the bag. “Shouldn’t you be packing your stuff?”

“I already did that yesterday. I’m just waiting for my mum and dad to finish so we can leave,” Angel said.

“Maybe they need some of your help?” Robert suggested.

Angel shrugged. “I guess I’ll go and get my bags downstairs.” She threw her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.

“Bye, Uncle Robert,” Angel said. “I hope you have fun with your sister.”

“I hope you have fun on your holiday,” Robert said. “I’ll see you in a couple days, yeah?”

Angel nodded and let him go. Robert watched her walk out of the room before gently picking up the letter and tracing the name and address on the front.

He’d written this letter to Aaron a few days after the divorce papers were sent. It explained everything to Aaron, about how he didn’t want Aaron living a half-life and that Aaron had always deserved better than him. It also mentioned how Robert wasn’t going to cope with only semi-frequent visits from him and how he’d be on edge waiting for the day the visits stopped altogether. Fourteen years was a long time and no one was going to keep visiting forever.

He’d poured his heart out into that letter for Aaron, all his love and desperation to do right by Aaron one last time, if the only time. But he hadn’t been able to send it right away. He told himself that it was because Aaron was angry at him and likely wouldn’t read the letter, so he had to wait until Aaron calmed down enough to read it.

But then the days waiting turned into weeks. And then months. But Robert continued to hold onto the letter like a safety blanket, like as long as he had this letter somewhere around him, he’d be able to remember how happy he’d been. And how much Aaron had loved him up until the end. It was a tangible reminder of what they had—his only tangible reminder—and he couldn’t bring himself to part with it.

Honestly, it’d been nearly two years and Robert didn’t even remember exactly what he wrote in the letter, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to find out either.

* * *

Robert came down the stairs at Victoria’s and shoved his phone back into his pocket. The screen was cracked and it was barely working right after being drained of battery for his time in prison, but it was what he had for now.

“How’d your check in go?” Victoria asked from her kitchen as she dished up some food for them.

Robert shrugged. “All right. She said it’s good I’ve got so many people around me. That I’m gonna start trying to reconnect with my son.”

“That is good, Rob,” Vic said as she brought out two plates. She glanced down at Harry who was sitting in front of the telly watching some children’s program Robert didn’t know or understand.

Robert shrugged. “Maybe.”

“What do you mean?” Vic asked as she sat down across from him at her small table. She’d originally tried to get him to go to the pub for dinner, claiming that there were people that wanted to see him, but Robert had refused. So Victoria had quickly made them some food while Robert phoned Rebecca and his parole officer, trying to sort out his weekend plans.

“I dunno,” Robert said, reaching for his fork. “It just feels like things are _too_ good right now. Which I know sounds crazy—”

“It doesn’t sound crazy,” Victoria argued. “It sounds like you’re still adjusting, which is normal.”

“But that can only take so long,” Robert said.

“It’s gonna take how long it takes, Rob,” Victoria said. “No matter what you feel, you can’t rush it. And we’ll all be here for you however we can. You’re not gonna have to do all this alone.”

Robert sighed and took a bite of the pasta Victoria had made. That was one of the problems, wasn’t it? Robert wasn’t used to having anyone help him out, not really, and especially the last two years. And yeah, Vic says that they’re not going to abandon him now, but what if it takes him months or years to really get over whatever was happening with his brain? They weren’t going to stay understanding for that long. It was a struggle to adjust to all this and he didn’t know how to tell his family that without sounding ungrateful.

“What did you want to do this weekend?” Victoria asked. “It’s fine if you don’t want to do anything, too! I just wanted to ask, you know, see if there was anything you wanted to do, any place you might like to go.”

“Well, actually, I was sort of hoping you might come with me to visit Seb,” Robert said quietly. “It wouldn’t be a long visit, but Rebecca suggested I come this weekend, tomorrow if you’re up for it, and have a quick meeting with him.”

“Of course I can go with ya,” Victoria said. “I’ll ask Diane to watch my little guy here and we can make a day of it, if ya like.”

“I don’t know,” Robert said. “I don’t want to overwhelm him. He’s just a kid and won’t know who I am so I don’t want him to feel pressured if I’m there too long. I thought maybe just a quick visit with them? Just to meet Seb and tell him that I’m gonna be coming around a bit more and hopefully he’ll want to spend some time with me.”

“I think that’s a great idea!” Vic said brightly.

Robert nodded and swallowed. “Um. I know that you’re really busy, but would you maybe be able to try and come with me the next time too? It’s just I’ve not really driven yet and I’m worried that even if I could handle getting there, I’d be too exhausted to drive myself back?”

Victoria reached out and grabbed at Robert’s hand. “Of course. I’ll do whatever I can to help you with things. I’d even do your laundry for ya if you needed.”

Robert laughed at that and squeezed her hand. “I rather enjoy doing my laundry.”

“You always were a weird one, Rob.”

Robert felt a little hand on his leg and glanced down at Harry who was looking up at him. He reached his arms out and Robert hesitated, looking to Vic who just nodded at him, before picking Harry up and setting him in his lap.

“You love your Uncle Robert, don’t you?” Victoria asked him, wagging a finger at her son.

“I think it’s just cause I’m new,” Robert said.

“Either way he likes you around,” Victoria said. “Whenever he sees ya he lights up and instantly starts reaching for you. Haven’t you noticed?”

Robert frowned. “I thought all kids did that?”

“Nope,” Victoria said. “And so far, you’re the only person he’s done that with. I think he’s a kindred spirit in ya. Both of you are trouble makers.” 

“Food?” Harry asked pointing at Robert’s plate.

Robert nodded. “Uh. Yeah. Food.”

“Look at that, Harry. You’ve made Uncle Robert speechless.” Victoria said pointing at Robert and laughing.

Harry looked back at Robert and said something that might have been him trying to say “Uncle Robert” but it was incredibly hard to understand all mashed together.

Victoria, however, grinned and clapped her hands. “That’s right. Uncle Robert. See he loves ya. I told you.”

Robert didn’t know what to say to that, so he just smiled down at Harry and continued eating his pasta. He only hoped his visit with Seb tomorrow went half as good as this one.

* * *

Robert was trembling as him and Victoria made their way up to Rebecca’s flat. Victoria had let him be silent most of the ride up to Manchester. She only spoke when she could sense him working himself up to remind him that Rebecca wants him to be in Seb’s life and that Seb is going to love him.

Robert took a huge breath as Victoria rang up to Rebecca’s apartment. She reached over to squeeze his arm and smiled at him. “You’ve got this, Rob. He’s gonna love you.”

Robert nodded but his throat was dry.

The door opened and Rebecca smiled at him, letting him and Vic into her building.

“Robert,” she said and pulled him in for a quick, slightly awkward hug. “It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah. Um. You too,” Robert said. “How’ve you been?”

She shrugged and started walking up the stairs to her flat. “We’ve actually been pretty good. Obviously not perfect, but we got through. Something I bet you understand.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah.”

They walked into Rebeca’s flat and she turned to Robert. “Are you ready for Seb?”

Robert hesitated. “Um. Yeah.”

Rebecca turned to go down the hall calling for Seb and Victoria squeezed his arm again.

Seb rushed out with Rebecca holding his hand and Robert nearly collapsed at seeing him.

“Hiya mate,” Robert said, awkwardly crouching on the floor. “It’s uh, it’s good to see you.”

“You know who that is, don’t ya, Seb?” Ross asked as he walked into the kitchen.

Seb nodded and then smiled and went to Robert. He hugged him but it was strange, like the kids who feel like they _have_ to because they’re told to, instead of his son actually wanting to hug him. But Robert would take whatever he could get.

“Do you wanna see my toys?” Seb asked.

“Of course I do!” Robert said, forcing some cheerfulness into his voice. Seb reached for his hand and started pulling him into his room.

When they got to Seb’s room, the boy was off chattering a mile a minute and Robert could only smile as he took everything in. There was a bed—bigger than a toddler bed and something about seeing it made Robert’s chest squeeze painfully. He’d grown up so much in those two years. His face still looked the same, still the small baby-face, but his hair had started to lighten away from the red it had been.

His room was packed full of toys, though still mostly trucks and cars. There was the stuffed elephant him and Aaron had gotten him for his first birthday still sat on the corner of his bed. And on the small bookshelf was a few photos—one of him and Seb when Seb was much younger. Robert hadn’t expected to see that there, and his eyes kept moving over to it as Seb showed him car after car.

Seb was lively and energetic and even if he didn’t remember him, he seemed okay with Robert being here. He wasn’t afraid of him or running from him and seemed genuinely concerned with showing Robert every single toy that he owned.

“Thanks for showing me those, mate,” Robert said as Seb showed him the twenty-eighth truck.

“Look!” Seb said as he pulled the picture Robert had been looking at earlier. He handed it to Robert. “That’s you. That baby’s me.” 

Robert took the photo, holding it carefully in his hands. “It is. I used to be around a lot when you were a baby.”

Seb nodded. “Ross says you had to go away.” 

Robert looked at him. “Yeah. I did for a while.”

“But you’re back now,” Seb told him.

“I am,” Robert said. “And I’d like to spend some time with you. Would that be okay?”

“You’ll play cars with me?”

Robert smiled and then moved to floor. “Let’s play.”

* * *

It wasn’t exactly the most creative thing Robert’s ever done, but he mostly followed Seb’s lead and he seemed more than happy. Every so often Robert would get a little lost or overwhelmed watching his son, but then Seb would ask him why his car wasn’t going and Robert would just smile and continue with the game.

After a while, Ross turned up at the door, knocking carefully. “Time to wash up for lunch, little guy.”

“I’m not little!” Seb complained.

“Still gotta go wash up. Mum’s orders,” Ross said.

Seb huffed and went to do as he was told. Ross laughed and came in to help Robert clean up a bit. Somehow Seb had littered every toy and car around his room. Robert grabbed the picture frame that still sat on Seb’s bed and carefully put it on the bookcase.

“It’s weird,” Robert said. “I thought he’d barely remember me.”

“Of course he remembers you,” Ross said. “You’re his dad.”

“I don’t think he remembers that part of it,” Robert said.

“He does,” Ross assured him. “I made sure that he had that picture and talked about his dad almost every night.”

Robert turned, frowning at him. “Why would you do that?”

Ross shrugged. “I just thought about if it was Moses. I’d have wanted someone to make sure that he knew that no matter what, I still loved him.”

“Manchester seems to have changed ya, mate,” Robert said.

Ross laughed. “Maybe. Maybe I just felt like I owed you. I did shoot you after all.”

Robert swallowed and nodded. “We’d all moved passed that.”

“I haven’t,” Ross admitted. “Not fully. Figured this would be a start.”

“Well, thank you,” Robert said. “For making sure he didn’t fully forget me.”

Ross nodded. “You really want to thank me, you’ll put in a good word with Charity. Let me get more time with Moses.”

Robert chuckled weakly. “I would, but I don’t think it’ll do any good. Pretty sure that lot all hate me more than they ever hated you. Maybe you could do something to piss Charity off to take some of the heat off me, if you’re feeling like being charitable.”

Ross laughed. “Not a chance, mate.”

They walked back to the kitchen area, Victoria standing to the side holding her jacket.

“Did you have fun with you dad, Seb?” Rebecca asked.

“Yeah! We played cars!” Seb said as he sat on a chair waiting for his dinner.

“Sounds fun!” Ross said. “Maybe your dad can come around again next weekend?”

“Yeah!” Seb said quickly.

“Sure,” Robert said. “Sounds good. If it’s okay with your mum.”

“Course it is,” Rebecca said. “Maybe next Saturday again?”

Robert nodded. “Definitely. Um. I guess we’ll get out of your hair then.”

“You can stay, if you like,” Rebecca said.

Robert looked at Victoria who jumped in. “We’d love to, but we actually have some errands to run and I’ve got to get back to Harry.”

“Right,” Rebecca said. “Then we’ll talk this week? Settle on a time?”

Robert nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“All right, Seb,” Ross said. “Time to say goodbye to your dad.”

Seb rushed off the chair and ran to Robert. Robert leaned down and pulled Seb into his arms, hugging him tightly. Robert’s throat felt tight but this was better than he could have ever hoped for. Seb didn’t hate him, actually seemed to like him, and remember him in some way.

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” Robert said quietly.

“Okay. Bye!” Seb let him go and Robert stood back up.

“Ross,” Robert said nodding at Ross.

“Good to see you, mate,” Ross said.

“I’ll walk you both out,” Rebecca said.

Robert and Victoria followed Rebecca back down the stairs. When they got to the door, Robert cleared his throat. “I just wanted to thank you. For letting me come and see him. I know you didn’t have to—”

“Robert,” Rebecca interrupted. “You’re still his father. And he did miss you.”

“I’m sorry that I stopped contact,” Robert said. “I just thought it was easier. For everyone.”

Rebecca studied him. “I can’t know what I would have done in your situation. But I know that it was a tough position for everyone.”

Robert nodded. “Still. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Rebecca said. “I’ll call you this week, all right?”

Robert nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Victoria grabbed his arm as they walked together to her car. “That went well!”

“Yeah. Definity not bad.”

“Robert,” Victoria said, pulling him to a stop beside her car. “Your son remembered you and enjoyed spending time with you. That’s a good thing.”

“I know,” Robert said. “I know.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Robert sighed. “I have no right to be disappointed…”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t feel it,” Victoria said. “Things are messy right now, but we’ll clean it up soon, right?”

Robert smiled at her. “You’re right.”

Victoria squeezed his arm and headed around the car to the driver’s side. “Still want to hit a few shops while we’re here?”

Robert took a deep breath and thought about it as he got into her car. He was still feeling a bit on edge and exhausted after his visit with Seb, but he did want to get some clothes for himself. He was tired of wearing only joggers and Jimmy’s old clothes.

“Yeah. At least for a couple things. If you don’t mind.”

“Course I don’t,” Victoria said as she started her car. “It’s good to go shopping with ya. And we can always hit the shops again next weekend if you forget something or want something more.”

Robert nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

And for the first time since he got out, it did feel like things were starting to work themselves out. Not perfectly, but enough that Robert didn’t feel like he was insanely panicking at the thought of being outside or going shopping or visiting Seb. Things were finally feeling achievable for him and he wanted to capitalize on that moment as much as he could.

* * *

Thankfully, their shopping trip was mostly uneventful for Robert. They went to two different stores to get Robert some new clothes, but kept it fairly simple.

“Do you think we got enough?” Victoria asked as they walked into her house, each carrying a few bags.

Robert laughed a little. “I don’t know. It’s been a while since I’ve actually had a wardrobe.”

“Oh,” Victoria winced. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know you didn’t,” Robert said. “But I still don’t know. I honestly barely remember what we ended up with at the end.”

“Well, you’ll have all day tomorrow to try on your clothes and see what you like or don’t like,” Victoria said. “If you want.”

Robert shook his head and turned around to watch Victoria lock the door. “I’d rather get a jump on it actually. Be able to show Nicola that I don’t need to keep borrowing Jimmy’s clothes.”

“How is all that going?” Victoria asked as she set the bags down inside the door. “Staying with them?”

Robert shifted the bags but didn’t set them down. “It’s all right—good actually. They’ve been really great with, you know, everything. And the kids seem to like that I’m there.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Robert smiled. “Last week Elliot came home from school with a pack of stickers and started handing them out at dinner every time someone answered one of his questions. He even gave me a secret one later when he saw me brushing my teeth.”

“Okay. That is adorable,” Victoria said. “I’m glad it’s working out for you.”

Robert nodded and looked down. “It’s not that I don’t want to be around you.”

“Rob, no.” Victoria grabbed his arm. “I was surprised you wanted to stay with them, but it makes you happy. That’s all I want. I wasn’t trying to make ya feel like you had to move in here or anything like that.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“But know that you’ll always have a place here, if you ever need or want one,” Victoria told him. “I’ll always have room for ya.”

“Thanks, Vic.” Robert looked down at her. She reached up and kissed his cheek.

“Why don’t you take those bags upstairs and I’ll make us a cuppa?”

“I thought you had to get Harry?” Robert asked, reaching down to grab the extra bags.

“Nope,” Victoria said. “Diane’s bringing him round in a bit. Hopefully enough time for a rest before he rushes in and I’ve got to get him ready for bed!”

Robert nodded and brought the bags upstairs. It was going to be weird, having his own clothes again. He was trying not to think about how many choices and options that would mean for him in the future.

But it was in the back of his mind, the steady anxiety that always seemed to be rippling under the surface, when he came back downstairs.

“Cheers,” Robert said as Victoria handed him the mug of tea.

“We can get in an episode of something before Harry gets back if you want to pick something?” Victoria suggested as she went about making her own tea. “

“All right.” Robert turned and had just settled on Vic’s sofa with the telly on when there was a frantic knocking on the door.

“Vic?! Vic?”

Victoria frowned and rushed to open the door. “Aaron—what?”

“I think something’s happened to Robert.” He said quickly. Robert stood but wasn’t sure whether he should walk out there or stay here. He set his mug of tea on the table.

“What?” Victoria asked.

“It’s just that—Nicola and Jimmy left. And I know that Robert’s been staying there. I think they went on a holiday or something. But Robert’s not there,” Aaron said, rushing the words together and not making much sense.

“Aaron—”

“I went around theirs yesterday, just to see if he was okay. I didn’t think he’d want to be alone but no one answered. I went back today, three times, and still no answer. I know he might not want to talk to me, but I don’t think he’d just ignore me unless something’s happened. And I’m really worried that something did. Like what if he’s hurt? Or taken back to prison?” Aaron asked, his voice frantic.

Robert hadn’t heard Aaron talk like that since that day in the water, both of them trapped in the sinking car. _Best not to think about that right now_.

“Aaron, calm down,” Victoria said, grabbing his arm and pulling him into her house. “Robert’s fine. He’s been with me.”

“He what?” Aaron asked, but he froze when he saw Robert standing in Victoria’s living room.

“He’s been staying here, with me, while Jimmy and Nicola are away,” Victoria said softly and shutting the door behind him. “As you can see, he’s all right.”

“You’re—You’re here,” Aaron said softly.

“Yeah.” Robert didn’t have a chance to say anything more because Aaron crumbled at that moment and rushed to him. He threw his arms around Robert, pulling him close and shaking. And Robert could only stand there, his hands awkwardly hovering on Aaron’s shoulders. All he could think about was how he was glad he’d put his cup of tea down.

Victoria shot him a look and quietly made her way upstairs to give them some privacy. One of the stairs creaked and Aaron jumped away from Robert, wiping angrily at his eyes.

“Sorry. That’s not—Sorry,” Aaron said.

“Are you all right?” Robert asked him softly.

Aaron huffed something that might have been a laugh. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

Robert shrugged. “Maybe. But I’m asking you.”

Aaron looked down at his feet and said nothing.

“Aaron,” Robert said quietly. Aaron’s head jerked up so quickly Robert worried he hurt himself. “I know that we said we didn’t want to talk about… all that stuff yet, but we can if you want. I know my being here is stressing you out, and the last thing I want to do is cause you more pain and stress.”

Aaron looked down again and let out a breath. “Why are you saying stuff like that?”

“Like what?”

“That you don’t want me in pain and that you want to make things right with us,” Aaron said.

“Because I do,” Robert said. “I know that I can’t, not really. But if there’s anything I can do to ease some of the hurt I’ve caused you over the years, I’ll do it. I can’t fully take it all away, but maybe some of it.”

Aaron was quiet again for a few minutes and Robert could only assume that he was gearing up to give Robert a piece of his mind. In all honesty, Robert wasn’t ready for this conversation, doubted he ever really would be, but he’d do anything for Aaron. That wouldn’t ever change.

“What about all the good times over the years? What about them?” Aaron asked quietly.

Somehow, that question was worse than anything Robert had been preparing for. He’d been expecting Aaron to yell at him, tell him he wished they’d never met and that Robert shouldn’t have come back here, that Aaron never wants to see him again. But this, this gentle question, shattered whatever defenses Robert might have had.

“Aaron,” Robert said. “I don’t…”

Aaron looked up at him, his eyes red. “All the times that you were there for me, loving me and supporting me. Are you gonna take those away too?”

It was Robert who looked away this time. What was the correct response when the love of your life who you’d abandoned still clearly thought positively on the time you spent together years ago even though there’s no hope for the future?

“I don’t,” Robert tried again. “I don’t know what you want me to do here.”

Aaron sighed and hunched his shoulders. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s not… fair for me to throw that on you when I know you’re struggling.”

“So are you,” Robert said, frowning in confusion. “I know that my being here is upsetting ya. I’ll leave you alone from now on, I promise.”

“I don’t want that,” Aaron mumbled, looking at the floor.

Robert hesitated for a brief second. “Then what do you want?”

“I want…” Aaron paused.

There was a long, charged silence between them. Robert didn’t want to push Aaron or make him uncomfortable, but he did want to know the answer to that question. How was Robert to know what he was supposed to do to make sure that he didn’t hurt Aaron anymore?

The door to Victoria’s house burst open, Diane pushing her way in with Harry in tow. Robert could tell that whatever was going to be said between them would forever be lost to that silence.

“Oh, hello, pet,” Diane said when she saw Aaron and Robert. “Aaron. This is a lovely surprise.”

“Diane,” Aaron said. “I was, erm, just going.”

Robert could only watch as Aaron rushed passed them all and out the door. He didn’t know if he was supposed to try and stop him because what we he supposed to say? Aaron didn’t owe him anything and it wasn’t Robert’s place to try and demand answers from him either.

But watching him rocket out of Vic’s house was awful because it just made him more confused than ever. Why did Aaron keep seeking him out if they weren’t going to talk? And how was Robert supposed to know what Aaron wanted him to do if he never told him?

“I’m so sorry, pet,” Diane said, patting his arm. “I didn’t think that I’d be interrupting anything.”

Robert cleared his throat. “You weren’t.”

“Rob?” Victoria asked as she came down. “You all right?”

Robert nodded and cleared his throat again. “Yeah.”

“What did Aaron want?” Victoria asked as she picked up Harry.

“I don’t, I don’t know,” Robert said. “He didn’t say.”

“Well, maybe you can talk tomorrow?” Diane suggested.

“Not with Chas already on my case for just simply breathing in the same village as him,” Robert said quickly. “It’s, it’s better this way. I’m just gonna avoid him, give him space, and maybe one day we’ll be able to co-exist here.”

“Rob—”

But Robert cut off Victoria and reached for Harry. “Want me to give him a bath?”

Harry was already reaching for Robert, so Victoria let him go. “All right. You be good for Uncle Robert, yeah?”

She poked Harry a little in the tummy and he giggled. Robert turned and started up the stairs with Harry. He felt bad using his nephew as an excuse to get out of whatever conversation his sister and step-mum wanted to have with him, but he just didn’t have it in him.

After his time with Seb, the shopping, and Aaron’s unexpected visit, he was tapped. But Harry was rather good company and never seemed to mind that Robert didn’t have a lot to say.

* * *

“So Victoria says that you had a little visitor last night?” Bernice asked as they sat around Victoria’s table.

Robert rolled his eyes and sat up a bit straighter. He knew that The Talk was coming as Victoria had let him rush off with Harry and claim being worn out last night. He just didn’t expect Bernice to be included in it.

“He wasn’t here to visit me,” Robert said.

“That’s not what I heard,” Bernice said. “I heard that he showed up here, all panicked that something had happened to you. I’d call that a visitor.”

“He knows what it’s like being in prison,” Robert said. “He was just doing what he’d do for anyone, checking in on them.”

“Aaron, willingly check in on someone three times in one day?” Bernice said. “That doesn’t sound like the Aaron Dingle I know.”

“There you go,” Robert said. “He doesn’t visit people. So he wasn’t visiting me.”

“Ah, but he did go around Nicola’s _three_ times in one day,” Bernice said. “What’s that if not visiting someone?”

Robert said nothing.

“I don’t know why you’re so put off by this development,” Bernice said. “It shows that he still cares about ya. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

Robert frowned. “How? How is that a good thing?”

Bernice glanced at Victoria. “Well, I mean. You love him. And he clearly still cares about you. It means there’s still a chance for you two to find your way back to each other.”

“We’re over,” Robert said. “We have been for years. And what I did… How I hurt him is something you can’t come back from.”

“Rob,” Victoria said as she brought over a plate of eggs and toast. “You were in an impossible situation. You did the only thing you could think to do.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Robert said. “I hurt him. I ended it. I have to live with that.”

“But it’s okay if you want things to be different,” Vic said quietly.

“I don’t.”

“See, I think you’re lying,” Bernice said. “You’re acting like you chose to go to prison, that you actively made it happen.”

“Didn’t I?” Robert asked quietly, looking down. “He begged me to leave things alone. So did you Vic. And I was selfish and stupid and couldn’t leave well enough alone.”

“But he came _here_ , Rob! He came here to harass me some more and you reacted,” Victoria said. “I wish it hadn’t happened the way it did, but it wasn’t like you went looking for him.”

“Maybe not that time,” Robert agreed. “But I had a record. I knew that I wanted him hurt, dead even. If it wasn’t then it’d have happened later.”

“You think so?” Bernice questioned.

Robert nodded.

“I don’t,” Bernice said. “I think, if him and his batty mother hadn’t been prancing around the village, you’d have learned to let it go. You were already halfway there. But they just couldn’t or wouldn’t leave well enough alone. _He_ found _you._ ”

“I didn’t walk away though,” Robert admitted.

“None of us would have,” Victoria said. “You just happened to be there. It’s not your fault.”

“It is though, Vic,” Robert said. “I was the one who did this. I killed him and abandoned all of you.”

“You didn’t abandon us,” Victoria said at the same time Bernice said, “He was a horrible man.”

“Whatever you say,” Robert said to Vic, trying to ignore Bernice’s words. “But it doesn’t change the fact that I wasn’t there for you.”

“Okay. Maybe you weren’t,” Victoria said. “Yeah. I wanted you there for me, wanted you there for Harry. But I made it through Rob. And even as angry as I was at you cutting contact, I _get_ why you did. And honestly, I think I’d have done the same.”

Robert looked down at the table, moving the eggs around on his plate. He’d lost his appetite in the middle of this entire thing.

“Whether you took out a monster, abandoned the people you love, or going to get back together with Aaron don’t matter right now,” Bernice said. “What does is the clothes you bought yesterday. Now you’ve been in prison for a while and fashions have changed. So let’s see what you got!”

Robert stared at her. “What?”

“I’m talking about fashion show, Robert!” Bernice said. “Victoria and I can see what you bought and tell you how good you look while we eat breakfast. It’ll be fun.”

“I don’t—”

“Oh come on, Rob!” Victoria goaded as she grabbed his arm. “It’ll be fun!”

“Fine.” Robert stood up, grateful for the excuse to not eat anymore. And made his way upstairs to the cheering and delight of his sisters. As much as he didn’t really want to be put on parade in front of them, he wanted to continue having that discussion about prison and Aaron even less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **So slight spoilers (in broad terms):** What I realized is that Robert needs to leave the village if he is going to be able to work on himself and begin to heal. He can't do that in that village. He was always going to leave for a bit, but it's looking more and more like it's going to happen much sooner than anticipated. But don't worry, he will be back. It's going to be a moment for him to focus on himself and so we don't have to keep going round and round in circles for the circle's sake. 
> 
> This is 100% still a Aaron/Robert endgage and happy ever after fic, so have no fear about that. But with Robert leaving, I had a thought of doing an interlude in Aaron's POV to sort of show what he's been up to and how he's thinking about everything. That way while Robert's rehashing some of the stuff we've already went over, we don't have to sit through it again. But that might also lessen the tension between them if we see Aaron's POV. So I'm a bit unsure exactly how I'm going to go about it. But it will be a long period of time they're separated in "reality" (a couple of months), but I'm likely going to flew through it and only show the main or relevant parts. 
> 
> [ Talk to me](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/ask) if you have any strong feelings one way or the other.


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